Satire

Opinion

Satire: Federal Reserve warns that ‘walking-around money’ could soon exceed $50

By Domenic DiPietro | October 22

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. Earlier today, high-ranking members of the United States Federal Reserve issued a statement warning Americans that our current economic turmoil could ...

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Opinion

Annoying dude in class raising his hand again

By Jack Leary | October 13

As Professor Marley’s 12:55 p.m. GOVT-392 lecture entered its final half hour, ground reports began flooding in that sophomore Geoffrey Wagshal had once again raised his hand.  Initial reports were unable to ascertain whether the international studies and sociology double major was just stretching. ...

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Opinion

Satire: Trump announces US has killed Osama Bin Laden again

By Domenic DiPietro | September 28

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. President Donald Trump announced today in a Kick livestream that the U.S. has successfully completed a covert operation to assassinate terrorist mastermind ...

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Opinion

Satire: Department of War Secretary Pete Hegseth Rumored to Suffer From Early Onset Ottoman Syndrome

By India Siecke | September 24

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional. In a shocking turn of events, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has recognized Allah as the one true God, declared himself Sultan and called for war with ...

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Opinion

The Whiz

By The Whizard , Jasmine Shi , Aidan Dowell and India Siecke | May 15

That’s right — you actively asked us not to, and we listened … to ourselves.  After the pants-dropping and butt-plopping success of Poop Wicked 2, we couldn’t keep it in. Journalism is like a great amount of pee: smelly and unstoppable (and streaming!). So now, our real passion project, ...

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Opinion

Jazmyn Begs: How do I get my roommate’s boyfriend out of here??

By The Seagle Staff | May 6

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional. Help! My roommate’s boyfriend sleeps over every night, and I HATE him! How do I get them to stop without making things weird? ERIC: You need to invite ...

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Opinion

Satire: RICO charges sought against Don of Woke Mob

By Jack Leary | May 6

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional. Goodfellas. Wiseguys. Made men. In the world of organized crime, these terms describe the members of the Mafia, who have historically dominated America’s ...

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Opinion

Satire: What AUSG actually does and why you should care

By Faiza Mujahid | May 5

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional. I have attended exactly zero Senate meetings of the American University Student Government. And yet, I have formed extremely strong opinions about it. To ...

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Opinion

Satire: A groundbreaking study confirming Abrahamic religions have been talking about being stoned this whole time

By Faiza Mujahid | May 5

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. An interdisciplinary analysis nobody asked for, but everyone NEEDED. For centuries, scholars have insisted that references to “stoning” in religious ...

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Opinion

AU To Tackle Debt Problem With Just One More Quad Festival

By Eric Steinberg | May 1

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. We see it everyday: rising tuition costs, programs threatened to be cut. Pretty soon, Kogod School of Business students may be forced to start coloring ...

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Opinion

Satire: Microsoft introduces NoDrive in latest AI war venture

By Domenic DiPietro | April 30

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. Earlier today, following the runaway success of Microsoft OneDrive, lauded by critics as “infuriating” and “frustrating,” Microsoft CEO John ...

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Opinion

The Seagle launches an even better AU strategic plan

By The Seagle Staff | April 27

Here at the Seagle, we’re elated to announce this semester’s strategic plan! Eagle-eyed (haha, get it?) readers might say “Hey, aren’t these plans supposed to last longer than a standard pregnancy?” Well, yes. But they haven’t worked yet, so them’s the breaks.  The strategic plan ...

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Opinion

Satire: Republicans Endorse Same-Sex Relationships in an Effort to Prevent Abortions

By Eric Steinberg | April 22

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. In a surprising break from tradition, Republican leaders held a press conference today to express support for same-sex marriage — in an effort to ...

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News

Satire: AU faces backlash over new consultant group SUCCS

By India Siecke | March 26

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. Facing a mounting budget deficit and sustained federal attacks on secondary education, American University has looked to a little-known consultant ...

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Opinion

Scientists shocked to find Kogod students share nearly 100% of genetic information with homo sapiens

By Jack Leary | March 20

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. In a groundbreaking study, American University’s young scientists have discovered that students at the Kogod School of Business have almost the exact ...

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Opinion

How to dismiss Iranian women’s oppression: A professional development guide for emerging solidarity leaders

By Faiza Mujahid | March 6

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional. Hello, fellow culture gurus, it’s your silly satirist back again with yet another professional development opportunity. Today’s workshop is designed ...

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Opinion

Satire: A measured response from Gen Alpha

By Domenic DiPietro | March 5

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental. Dear Gen Z,  My name is Bryden Rorech. I’m 12 years old. And yes, I’m part of Gen Alpha. Go ahead and laugh. Laugh, like you always do. In ...

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