The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
In a surprising break from tradition, Republican leaders held a press conference today to express support for same-sex marriage — in an effort to prevent abortions.
Here is an excerpt from the speech given by Senator Richard “Big” Oted (R-IDK):
“Thank you for joining us today. Now, as you know, America is a Chrisitan country with Christian values. We go to church when it looks good politically, we love our neighbors who speak the same language as us and we donate money to the rich which could theoretically trickle down to the poor. Just like Jesus wanted.
“And because we’re such good Christians, we follow every part of the Bible to the letter, except the parts we don’t like, like that bacon thing. That was clearly God pranking us, classic God. But the one part we talk about all the time is abortion, which is spelled out pretty clearly in the Bible in the book of … well, I forget which one, but just ‘control f’ for abortion and you’ll find it.
“As you all know, we’ve been trying to come up with ideas for how to stop all of these abortions. Then, when I was watching videos on my phone one day, I saw the funniest thing. I happened upon this video where it was just two men: One man was delivering a pizza with ‘extra sausage’ to the other, but, in a surprise twist, the man who had ordered the pizza was out of money. The two discussed options for compensation, and then the video REALLY took a turn. At first, I wanted to baptize my phone and condemn its unholiness, and then I realized something — none of these men were getting pregnant.
“For so long, we thought our hatred of contraception could never keep up with our hatred of abortions, but now there’s a solution: same-sex relationships. So, to further my research, I looked up more of these videos. Men with men, women with women, theys with thems. No one was getting pregnant. Not a single person was murdering unborn fetuses. I mean, I was just watching hours and hours of these videos. My wife called me to dinner. My son called me to pick him up from soccer practice. I ignored them all, I just kept watching and watching.
“And you sort of put yourself in their shoes, right? You think ‘we’re not so different, it could be me in that video, I could be that guy, probably the one on the bottom. The guy on top would be, I don’t know, maybe our neighbor Steve, the one with the cool haircut and the cool clothes and stuff. And I don’t know, maybe Steve and I would go out to a nice restaurant first, get dressed up, Steve could wear that cute orange shirt he has. Ordinarily, we might get stares, mostly because for all of my political life I’ve been yelling about how people like Steve are pedophilic satanists, but I’ll let everyone know that they’re cool now.
“Now that it’s ok to be gay, we would like to retract our list of banned art and discussion topics. I’ve heard good things about Heated Rivalry. We can start listening to showtunes again, that’s exciting. Sex with men, looking forward to that one. But there’s still progress to be made. My wife comes in yelling about how I still haven’t picked up our son from soccer practice. I explain to her it’s only because I’m watching all of these videos about all these gay people and I show them to her, and then she gets mad at me. What a homophobe.”
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman and Arin Burrell.
