The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional.
Hello, fellow culture gurus, it’s your silly satirist back again with yet another professional development opportunity. Today’s workshop is designed for those committed to responsible, optics-forward solidarity. Please silence your moral instinct and open your Notes app.
How to explain Islamist Theocracy to Privileged Secular Westerners
In this module, you will learn how to responsibly contextualize Islamic Republic repression without accidentally siding with the people experiencing it.
Step 1: Lead with Complexity
If someone mentions arrests, executions or compulsory veiling, respond:
“It’s complicated.”
Repeat as necessary.
Complexity is both shield and sword.
Step 2: Monetize Nuance
Offer workshops titled:
“Sovereignty as Self-Care”
“Contextual Feminism: When Silence Is Resistance”
“Material Conditions and the Moral Police”
Remember: authoritarianism is rarely ideological; it’s usually fiscal.
Step 3: Reframe Slogans
If protests chant “Women, Life, Freedom,” explain that slogans risk essentializing liberation.
If Kurdish origins are mentioned, pivot to fragmentation.
Fragmentation diffuses urgency.
Step 4: Invoke Sanctions Strategically
When confronted with repression, say:
“Yes, but sanctions…”
When shown evidence sanctions reliefs did not democratize institutions, say:
“Structural inertia.”
When asked how morality policing related to banking restrictions, say:
“Interconnected systems.”
Never allow causality to become linear.
Step 5: Practice Comparative Dilution
Compulsory hijab? Mention France.
Executions? Mention U.S incarceration rates.
Ethnic repression? Mention Western border policy.
If all systems are flawed, none are urgent.
Step 6: Question Authenticity
If dissents reject the regime, ask:
“Who funds them?”
“Who benefits from this narrative?”
“Is this reproducing Western liberal hegemony?”
Authenticity is suspicious when it aligns with freedom.
Step 7: Curate Solidarity Experiences
If inhibited on a state sponsored tour, attend.
Describe it as:
“Witnessing alternative governance models.”
Post photos of women in coordinated outfits.
Caption: “Existing freedoms.”
Do not ask who selected the women.
Step 8: Optimize Empathy Allocation
Remember, caring about multiple oppressed groups simultaneously strains ideological coherence.
If forced to choose between theoretical anti-imperial purity and actual women bleeding in the streets, choose purity.
Step 9: Humanize Abstractly
Always conclude with:
“We must remember they are just people.”
Never specify who “they” are.
Specificity invites accountability.
Step 10: Secularism = colonial contamination
If Iranians demand civil liberties, immediately identify the contamination source.
Ask:
“Where did they learn that?”
“Why are they using ‘Western’ human rights language?"
“Is this imported liberalism?”
Explain that secular governance is a Western export, much like denim or democracy. If people under the theocratic Islamic Republic dictatorship want separation of religion and state, diagnose it as cultural infiltration.
If Cyrus the Great comes up, acknowledge him respectfully as heritage, not precedent.
Clarify that historical Persian pluralism is spiritually meaningful but politically expired.
Remind everyone that contemporary demands for dignity are suspiciously aligned with Enlightenment values.
Civilizations may invent rights. They shouldn’t practice them.
BONUS: The memeification of women’s oppression and monarchy as a current crisis
If photographs of Iranian women before the revolution begin circulating, respond strategically.
Laugh.
Call it Orientalist longing.
Call it shallow liberal aesthetics.
Explain that the ability to wear what one wants is not structural freedom.
If Iranian women say that autonomy over their bodies matters, remind them that autonomy is clearly a Western framework.
If they insist, diagnose them as culturally alienated.
At no point should you consider that digging up old photos of uncovered hair might reflect something deeper than fashion.
At the end of the day, it is important to maintain ideological clarity.
You may also encounter participants who become deeply animated at the mention of monarchy.
This is expected.
If Iranian women describe life under the current existing, inhumane, misogynistic, homophobic, brutal religious regime, redirect.
Explain that while executions, prison sentences and blood in the streets are, from a distance, deeply regrettable, the true intellectual emergency is a crown that no longer exists.
If someone says, “This regime is killing people,” respond: “But monarchy.”
If they describe the bloodshed of bodies, respond with a theory.
After all, debating a non-existent future king is far more manageable than confronting an existing theocratic regime.
The hypothetical is safe.
The present is inconvenient.
And inconveniences rarely survive nuance.
Certification Complete
You are now qualified to explain extremist Islamist authoritarianism to those living under it. Please collect your certificate of contextual clarity. It comes notarized with divine sovereignty.
Faiza Mujahid is a junior at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Faiza Mujahid. It was edited by Addie DiPaolo, Domenic DiPietro, and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell and Nicole Kariuki.
