Hello, fellow culture gurus! Ready to embark on a journey through the #1 safest country for women? Yes, Afghanistan! And no, don’t bother with pesky details like actual human rights (we all know women are worse than animals ) — we’ve got logical fallacies, gaslighting and influencer aesthetics on our side. It’s easy as one, two, three… four! Follow these steps and watch your influencer game unfold flawlessly.
Step 1: ALWAYS blame the West
Everything is the West’s fault. Misogyny? Western export. Human rights? Clearly a Western invention. According to Western propaganda, Afghan women, historically, were absolute legends. They led troops, managed communities, owned businesses, thrived socially and even resisted invading armies.
Think of Afghan homes as five-star hotels for empires. Every invader books a long-term stay, trashes the place and checks out without paying the bill. Yet somehow, it’s the women who are left to do the housekeeping. “Resting invading armies” isn’t just a metaphor; it's practically the tagline of Afghan history.
Basically, Afghan people were multitasking superheroes before it was cool. But don’t dwell on that too long, or you’ll look like you’re praising “feminism,” which is obviously an evil Western trap. NEVER let facts get in the way of your influencer aesthetic, girl.
And of course, oppression comes fully curated for the influencer aesthetic: muted tones of dust, the timeless minimalism of four bare walls and “cultural authenticity” as the ultimate accessory.
Forget Paris Fashion Week, true trendsetters are perfecting the art of vanishing into silence while still serving chai and complying like it’s content.
Whenever someone criticizes patriarchy, throw in a (Red Herring or Straw Man): “You hate Afghanistan, brown people or Muslim people, not misogyny!” Sprinkle in phrases like “Western imperialism,” “neo-colonialism,” “post-colonial interference” and “white feminism” liberally — you’ll sound scholarly while saying nothing.
Step 2: Deflect using racism and religion cards
Critique of local oppression? Racist. Questioning extremist Islamist policies? Islamaphobic. Human rights advocacy? Clearly another tool of Western propaganda — but remember, Afghan women had thriving societies long before colonialist interventions.
And if anyone dares to say, “Hey, maybe women deserve rights,” IMMEDIATELY accuse them of being CIA operatives or undercover missionaries. Extra points if you throw in a conspiracy theory about how Wi-Fi signals were invented to spread wicked Western feminism.
Ah yes, Malalai of Maiwand, legendary for her “valiant comeback” in absolutely every scenario, from leading troops to choosing the best Instagram filter. She proved women were warriors, leaders and strategists. Oh, wait, that's probably just Western propaganda, or maybe it’s an artificial intelligence hallucination. Who even knows? Don’t forget beautiful and poreless too! You can also use ad hominem attacks! Call critics “colonialist brats” or “ignorant racists.” Deflection is your superpower.
Step 3: Exploit the bigotry of low expectations
Afghan women can endure oppression because it is literally encoded in their DNA. Brown women are apparently content with subhuman treatment. As a fellow brown woman, I can confirm, and if you’re not, feel free to toss in some supercalifragilisticexpialidocious word salad. Naturally, not being fully human like white women comes with perks, like an innate talent for enduring the unbearable. Why aim high when zero is apparently enough?
Honestly, Afghan women don’t even need superpowers. They’ve been training for this. Who needs capes when you have endless brew and stew and four walls for a fortress? Oppression: it’s not just a burden, it’s a brand.
It’s giving locked-in lifestyle: a neutral color palette of chipped paint, natural lighting rationed by curfews and a full immersion experience in stillness. The kind of exclusivity no influencer trip to Bali could ever replicate.
Afghan women, the poster children of “just sit and endure,” are living proof that the path of least resistance is totally a lifestyle choice. Remember every tea-sipping, homebound heroine is smashing expectations by fully embracing the lowest ones imaginable — but that’s okay, she was clearly born with it (or genetically engineered for it, take your pick).
Step 4: Use big words to confuse everyone (pseudo-intellectualism is so in, baby!)
Forget blaming the West, this step isn’t about accusations. It’s about looking smarter than you are while saying nothing of substance. Drop terms like “neo-colonialism,” “imperialism” and “white feminist” like seasoning on a gourmet dish of nonsense. Misuse them, overuse them, twist them. Bonus points if your audience nods along while secretly questioning their life choices.
It’s like the academic version of gaslighting: you’re not wrong, you’re just “decolonizing your epistemological framework.” See? Now you sound both proud and incomprehensible. The perfect combo.
Pseudo-intellectualism is your ultimate travel influencer flex. Slip in phrases like “hegemonic structures,” “cultural relativism” or “existential epistemologies” to make your commentary feel impenetrable. Step 1 manipulates blame and step 4 manipulates perception. Style over logic, spectacle over substance.
Conclusion: Take the L, Western women
Afghan women are clearly walking on a knife’s edge, choosing their own deaths, but that’s okay — remember, it’s all about respecting their culture (and those ever-helpful “traditions” blessed by God, of course, conveniently explain literally everything). Keep deflecting, spinning and sprinkling fallacies like confetti. Congratulations! You're now a fully certified Islamist jihadist propagandist influencer… with a satirical twist.
Faiza Mujahid is a junior at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Faiza Mujahid. It was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe, Neil Lazurus and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
