The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional.
The word “decolonize” is everywhere at American University: on syllabi, flyers, tote bags and PowerPoints. We’ve decolonized our language, learning, lunch menus and probably compost bins. The only thing we haven’t decolonized is the part that actually colonizes us every semester: tuition.
Each semester begins with an email reminding us that AU “honors the Indigenous people on whose land we learn,” a nice touch right before billing us $79,000 for the privilege of learning on it. Somewhere, a campus administrator is probably drafting the next big initiative: Land Acknowledgements, but make them Direct Deposit.
AU doesn’t just teach decolonization, it brands it. The University’s favorite form of resistance is PowerPoint activism: 67 slides, 6–7 stock photos and one brave trust fund student asking, “So, like, how can we decolonize capitalism?” (Answer: by charging more for it.)
Meanwhile, students who actually challenge power, the kind who raise their voices about real-world injustice, are politely reminded that “free speech” is subject to “community standards.” Some organizations find themselves quietly on probation for being too vocal about oppression, while others can say whatever they want, as long as they say it in khakis and under a flag. It’s not censorship, AU insists, it’s “tone management.”
Faculty encourage “critical thought,” but only up to the line where it becomes, well, critical.
AU’s idea of radicalism is reading bell hooks in a $79,000 classroom. The revolution is televised and livestreamed by the School of Communication.
Activism here is less a movement and more a marketing opportunity. AU loves a good protest photo, especially if it looks great on the admissions page. Donor-friendly dissent is the new diversity initiative. The message is clear: speak your truth, but keep it aesthetic and apolitical enough to pair well with the next capital campaign.
Student Voices
“I’m just grateful we can protest as long as it’s between the hours of 6 and 7 and pre-approved by Risk Management,” said one student activist majoring in Public Relations and Existential Dread.
When asked about freedom of expression on campus, another student shrugged: “I’m all for liberation, as long as it doesn’t affect my internship prospects.”
An AU spokesperson for Student Engagement clarified, “Our goal is to support open dialogue, provided that it is polite, profitable and perfectly aligned with the University’s strategic messaging plan.”
At AU, we’re told to dismantle systems, but only after submitting them for approval on Engage. Our syllabus is decolonized, our buildings are renamed and our conscience is clear. We’ve achieved the impossible: making resistance feel institutional, safe and billable.
Decolonization, but make it due by the add/drop deadline.
AU’s Statement
In an official response, American University reaffirmed its commitment to “supporting all forms of dialogue that align with institutional values and donor comfort levels.” The statement concluded, “We remain steadfast in our promise to foster critical thinking within approved talking points, and to continue to decolonize the student experience, one sponsored initiative at a time.”
Faiza Mujahid is a junior at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Faiza Mujahid. It was edited by Addie DiPaolo and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Ryan Sieve, Jaden Maitland Anderson and Ava Stuzin
