Here at the Seagle, we’re elated to announce this semester’s strategic plan! Eagle-eyed (haha, get it?) readers might say “Hey, aren’t these plans supposed to last longer than a standard pregnancy?” Well, yes. But they haven’t worked yet, so them’s the breaks.
The strategic plan started from seven unique challenges facing our university. And to those challenges, we say “Challenge Accepted”:
- Reducing inefficiency
- Getting rid of unneeded resources
- Streamlining operations
- Finetuning experiences
- Refining redundancies
- Cutting shit down
- Strategic gaslighting
From there, we were able to refine macrodata into actionable insights and, actually, for real this time, make a plan.
Changing Our Reputation
Somehow people have come to associate our university with being “nerdy,” but that’s not true at all. We party so hard. We slept with three (3) girls last year. And one of them was even straight! Furthermore, we’ve invested heavily in the media of our future: landlines. We’ve sunk millions of your non-refundable tuition dollars into this fruitful investment. Soon every school — hell, every house — will have a phone. The name AU will be synonymous with the mighty phone. Yeah, that’ll make the cool kids want to stick around for sure!
Tenleytown Centered Learning
Since American University’s genesis, we’ve tried selling ourselves as the premier higher learning institution in Washington, D.C. But who the hell are we kidding? In our century and some of existence, not one person has honestly believed that. That’s why we’re going all in on good ol’ Tenley. From hands-on internships at Guapo’s to elite research opportunities at the Mattress Warehouse, we’ll make sure our students are best equipped for the reality of the higher education bubble. Select students will be named Tenleytown fellows and receive priority access to the Target parking lot.
Focus on Our Four “X”s
- Xcellancy: Making our academy gooder and more better.
- Xploring Each Other’s Bodies: We are an R1 research school after all.
- X-men: …where they at?
- Xenon: Refining precious xenon gas has the potential to not only turn our debt situation on its head, but to foster new relationships and maybe even love (?) at our state of the art xenon refinement facility. The state of the art xenon refinement facility will replace McKinley School of Communication.
Conflicts between the People’s Republic of China and Taiwan (formally referred to as Taiwan: Republic of China) in the South China Sea
There’s bad people on both sides.
A Learning and Living Revolution
To show our commitment to this permanent change, we will be introducing new living-learning communities for the following groups
- North and Central Jersey: In a radical change to the north vs. south Jersey dichotomy, we will be acknowledging only North and Central Jersey. Unfortunately, due to a mistake with housing, they will live on the south side of campus. Please do not let this distract from our message.
- People graduating in five years: Enough of the Global Scholars and the Public Policy. Whatever nerds, let’s give the slackers and the financially secure their own on-campus palace.
- Mock Trial: It’s important whatever mess they’ve got going on doesn’t spread to the general public, so for the good of everyone involved, we’ve decided to
segregatequarantinesegregate them. - White-passing Irish: No explanation needed.
- Nepo babies: Treasured descendants of donors and those who were really worried about the Epstein List shouldn’t be confined with the heathens that inhabit this campus. The exclusive Nepo floor includes housing with significantly fewer insects.
- Wonk-core enthusiasts: Mandatory blazer storage and a copy of the Economist no one reads.
Debt and Finances
None. It’s fine.
Timeline
Our plan will be finalized over the next five-to-seven business years, which will be followed by an exploratory committee of groundbreaking trailblazers. Unless we come up with a better plan that has a catchier name.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
This article was written by Aidan Dowell, Domenic Dipietro, Jack Leary, Eric Steinberg, Teddi Papish, India Siecke and Faiza Mujahid. It was edited by Aidan Dowell, Domenic Dipietro, Addie Dipaolo and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Jaden Maitland Anderson, Arin Burrell, Mattie Lupo and Nicole Kariuki.
