The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
WASHINGTON - After several heated confrontations with members of the press in the Oval Office today, President Trump pivoted away from a discussion on the Epstein files to complain why no one was talking about bringing back summer. When asked what he meant, Trump clarified by saying, “It used to be winter and now it is summer. We brought that back in a major way.”
The President then took this message to Truth Social, posting the following message:
“That’s right, winter is out, SUMMER is in. You can thank many people for this. God, me, mostly me though, I brought back summer! You can see it all around. Birds are chirping like never before. Temperatures are up up up, it’s our moment. Like that song from K-Pop demon hunters, who were TERRIBLE, taking hard-working jobs from regular American demon hunters. We used to call them Ghostbusters. They did a lot of good, but they couldn’t help Scrooge, could they? He had three ghosts. Wow, that’s a lot more than one. But of course, what was terrible about Scrooge was he had winter, whereas we have summer now. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN -DJT”
Many have been quick to condemn the president for this unprecedented statement, including meteorologists, scientists and Punxsutawney Phil, who made the following statement:
“As you know, I’ve voted for Trump three times now, mostly because I believe Democrats are trying to take away our guns. And I haven’t had any issue with Trump before, but this — this crosses a line. I cannot stand idly by as this man says it is summer, when I so clearly stated that we would have six more weeks of winter. So for this reason, I have decided to stop supporting this administration, stop donating to the NRA and stop rewatching the Turning Point USA halftime show.”
White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt echoed the president’s talking points at a press conference yesterday. She wore a t-shirt, shorts and blue skin. She assured reporters that everyone was indeed experiencing the dog days of summer, before collapsing on the ground shivering in what White House doctors are diagnosing as “too much fun in the sun.”
Others who were quick to call out the administration included A University (AU), which was looking to make a public statement on any other matter after they scrapped their previously drafted statement, which, by our best guesses, was something like “Well, in our defense, we did tell you our professors were well connected.”
“This whole winter is now summer thing is only meant to be a distraction from what actually matters,” said CNN, who proceeded to talk about this and only this for the next week.
And indeed, it’s a distraction from Epstein, which is a distraction from Venezuela, which is a distraction from ICE, which is a distraction from him being president, which is, of course, a distraction from Trump Steaks. He feels really self-conscious when people talk about it because he really thought Trump Steaks was going to take off in a big way.
D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser’s office has announced that its official position for snow cleanup is now, “don’t bother with it, just let it melt,” since it’s apparently summer. Although sources have confirmed that this was just the city’s plan all along, regardless of season.
Still, I remain hopeful that even though we as Americans have become so polarized that we can’t even agree on what season it is, we still can come together on common ground. There are some things, even those that Donald Trump says, that we can all agree upon, like the fact that three ghosts are a whole lot more than one.
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Nicole Kariuki.
satire@theeagleonline.com
