The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
We see it everyday: rising tuition costs, programs threatened to be cut. Pretty soon, Kogod School of Business students may be forced to start coloring their own coloring pages as opposed to asking AI to do it for them. Many students complain that a chief way that American University wastes money is through quad festivals. These poorly advertised mosquito traps (in the sense that the mosquitos are trapping us) offer the best food the University has to offer or a singular bag of pretzels; there’s no way of knowing until you’re there. They’re extravagant in their decorations and always seem to have some sort of craft or activity that is enjoyed by up to tens of students.
“Tuition is so expensive that some AU students work multiple jobs and are still in debt,” sophomore John Banjo V explains. “And then Clawed comes out in a Marie Antoniette dress and says ‘let them eat cake.’ And then it isn’t even good cake. Like it would be one thing if it was good cake, but it’s not. It’s not the worst cake, we’ve all had worse cakes, but even a box mix would probably be better than the cake they’re giving us.”
Many students agree with John, although less so about his specific cake grievances. Fortunately, the University understands, and the administration announced in a strategic plan that they would be addressing the financial crisis. Students cheered with delight that tuition costs would be going down, to which the University said “Woah woah woah that ain’t happening, but we are excited to announce that next Wednesday will be ‘Thank Clawed For Fiscal Responsibility Palooza Amfest.’”
It will have all the hallmarks of a standard quad festival. Music really loud in one area of the quad, and nonexistent for the rest. Trays of food that run out the moment you get to them. Tables repping student organizations that everyone agrees to ignore. All dedicated to the goal of making responsible financial decisions, not being wasteful — you know. Like those environmental festivals with all of those compostable plates and utensils that students throw in the garbage anyway.
Everything will be debt themed. The tablecloths will be “in the red.” People will be blowing and then subsequently popping bubbles. And of course, there will be tons of food, including (chicken) stock, which will be poured off a ledge to show it falling. But no allergen-free food options. We’re losing money here, we all have to make sacrifices. Just eat the regular peanut butter sandwich; I’m sure our student health center will be super helpful with that.
Also present at the event will be custom-printed t-shirts that read “STOP FRIVOLOUS SPENDING” alongside hundreds of fidget toys for people stressed out by their debt problems.
The University has also rented a zipline to symbolize its financial decline. Instead of a bouncy castle, they’ve opted for a much more affordable bouncy studio apartment. And something that no one asked for: a create-your-own-HVAC table. Except it’s “only fans,” to symbolize ways that students could make money if they really wanted to pay for college and not sit on their lazy bums all day.
“It’s being called the quad festival to end all quad festivals,” University Secretary of Quad Festivals Chris Tinoem explains. “Because after this one we actually don’t have any more money.”
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell and Nicole Kariuki.
