The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Earlier today, following the runaway success of Microsoft OneDrive, lauded by critics as “infuriating” and “frustrating,” Microsoft CEO John Microsoft unveiled the company’s new flagship cloud storage product: “NoDrive.” Unlike its predecessor, NoDrive aims to cut out the middleman of the cloud storage experience by directly deleting your files the second you upload them. No more searching for which directory on YOUR computer that YOUR paper YOU wrote is located — tada! It’s gone!
In an innovative response to cloud computing, NoDrive won’t send your files to the cloud on high, but instead sends your inputs directly to hell. Stressing that documents don’t have souls, the company said that users need not worry about the moral ramifications of the process. They did, however, confirm that they’ve imbued each Outlook email you receive with a soul, and that every time you delete an email you kill it. Monster.
Much like its partner in crime, Word, NoDrive was sculpted with a simple design principle: the user is the enemy. As Sun Tzu, ancient Chinese military strategist and avowed Windows Vista user once said, “know the enemy, know yourself and victory is never in doubt, not in a hundred battles.” So, after some deep meditation and soul-searching to truly know ourselves, we secured an exclusive interview with Mr. Microsoft to gain some more insight into the development of the product:
The Seagle (TS): So, why release NoDrive? Aren’t you concerned that customers won’t sign up to have their personal data deleted?
John Microsoft (JM): Sign up? What does this look like, a lemonade stand? We learned long ago that we don’t have to ask permission to do anything with people’s personal data. Go ahead, stop using Windows. Use Linux and come back to me when you want to start getting some b—hes again.
TS: Wow, bold stuff. Do you—
JM: Yeah, it is bold. I’m a boss, son. You see this watch? $20,000. You see the shoes? $40,000. That’s how I roll. They call me Johnson because I’m John, son.
TS: So, does—
Johnson: They call me Johnny Boy because I’m Johnny, boy. You have one more question. I tire of you.
TS: What Microsoft products can we look forward to in the future?
Johnny Boy(?): I have two words for you: email optimization and video conferencing solutions. Must-see TV.
NoDrive also boasts extensive Copilot support, which John made sure to remind us of while affirming that adding “one more” AI feature would finally revolutionize the office for good. New features include summarizing what was in your document before it was torn asunder, as well as suggestions for new documents that will inevitably be taken out back and sent to a better place. Anonymous Microsoft engineers named this the “Charlie Brown” principle, clearly taking inspiration from that one gag where Lucy pulls the football away at the last second.
On the bright side, now you can tell your professor that your computer ate your homework, and not your dog. Unless your dog ate your computer. But then you’d have bigger problems. Or a robot dog. But probably not.
Domenic DiPietro is an astrophysics major in the College of Space Flight and Dynamics, a satire columnist for the Eagle and a satire editor for the Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell and Nicole Kariuki.
