The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional.
Goodfellas. Wiseguys. Made men.
In the world of organized crime, these terms describe the members of the Mafia, who have historically dominated America’s urban underworlds. Even in their age of decline, from the Five Families of New York to the Chicago Outfit, every mob family has held fast to the traditional life passed down through generations of La Cosa Nostra.
Except one.
The Sorrentino crime family has recently made waves for a number of reasons. At a time when Mafia influence is at an all time low, the Sorrentinos have shocked law enforcement with the tsunami of organized crime that has suddenly washed over the nation’s capital. The telltale crimes have all seen marked increases since the family arrived on the scene, with soaring rates of fraud, smuggling, trafficking, money laundering and violent crime. But what has really distinguished this new surge of crime has been its sharp turn to the left.
The first lead came from the discovery of 500,000 unmarked pronouns left in a duffel bag in an underground parking garage in the neighborhood of Adams Morgan.
“Typically, pronoun trafficking occurs on a small scale, neighborhood level,” FBI lead investigator Leonie Khan said. “A couple he/hims exchanged on the street corner, maybe a they/them deal in the backroom of a club. But this? It’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen.”
Khan explained that since this initial evidence was uncovered, similar crime scenes have emerged across the city.
“Everywhere we looked, we saw the signs of changing times. Stolen cars turning up with ‘I bought this before I knew Elon was crazy’ stickers. Bodies in biodegradable bags thrown in the Potomac. Spiking rates of gender. You know, FOX News has been warning about the woke mob for years, but they’ve gotten it all wrong,” Khan said. “They’re talking about cancel culture, or some other inane crap. What we’ve got is a crime epidemic on our hands.”
The biggest breakthrough, however, came from a critical government informant. Bruce Rocha, a 41-year-old Capo from Baltimore who asked to remain anonymous due to the extreme danger that comes with government collaboration, gave an inside look into the workings of the woke mob.
“In the family,we try to give everyone a fair chance in the criminal underworld. You see, the current administration has done such a fantastic job of harboring criminals and thugs. Really inspired vision for the future of white-collar crime. The problem, however, is the disproportionate representation of wealthy white men,” Rocha explained. “How is a working mother supposed to break into racketeering with the odds stacked against her like this?”
Rocha continued, expressing how the family strives to give disadvantaged gangsters a chance to live out the Italian-American dream.
“The Mafia has always been about giving immigrants and the destitute a chance in this country,” Rocha reflected. “We’re just finally bringing that vision into the 21st century. After all, rigging a sports game is one thing, but rigging the capitalist system against the underprivileged is something else altogether. That’s why we’re an equal opportunity syndicate.”
With Rocha’s testimony and the evidence gathered from the crime scenes, the FBI has been carefully preparing a RICO case against the organization, aiming to connect crimes committed on the streets to leadership - specifically Angelo Sorrentino, the young ‘Don’ of the family.
After taking the reins from his father, it was under the younger Don Sorrentino that crime spiked so rapidly. Cunning, slippery and never afraid to call out a microaggression, this boss has so far evaded racketeering through legal maneuvering. However, a recent recording obtained through a bugged ‘No Justice, No Peace’ pin seems to have caught Don Sorrentino soliciting illegal activity from known criminal Courtney Boyd.
The transcript is as follows:
BOYD: Please Don Sorrentino, please!
SORRENTINO: I’m afraid that’s something I cannot do. I cannot remember the last time you offered to let me hit your cart. I see you post from Kiki, yet I don’t remember receiving an invitation. And now, you come to me on the day of my daughter’s bottom surgery, and you ask me to do murder.
BOYD: I ask you for justice. These people, you don’t understand. They told me that the wage gap was a natural result of women’s over-emotionality. That women just need to be more assertive and have less children if they want high paying jobs. Yet they blame women for shrinking birth rates!
SORRENTINO: Scum, all of them. Yet you still disrespect me. You claim to be a progressive, yet you repost Gavin Newsom tweets. I see you hesitate in your support for raising income taxes. I do not know if I can rely on someone like you.
[At this point in the recording, Boyd seemingly bends down to kiss Sorrentino’s ethically sourced non-monogamous wedding ring.]
SORRENTINO: Good. Now I’ll make sure these men are sorted out.
[END OF RECORDING]
According to sources, Sorrentino then insisted that he would “make them an offer they could refuse,” citing his unwavering belief in a person’s right to choose. With this evidence, federal agents may finally be able to bring charges against the upper echelons of the organization.
While this crime spree has revitalized America’s mob scene, an indictment could spell the end for this breakout crew. Just as ducks can’t stay hatchlings forever, the woke mob may find itself running out of time.
Jack Leary is a junior in the College of Organic Meal Planning and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Jack Leary. It was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Nicole Kariuki.
satire@theeagleonline.com
