The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
In a groundbreaking study, American University’s young scientists have discovered that students at the Kogod School of Business have almost the exact same genetic makeup as homo sapiens. Shocking even those in the field, researchers have been working furiously since this revelation to determine its implications.
“I was in disbelief when I was reviewing the results, but sure enough, their DNA is almost identical,” said study lead Amir Brooks. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think they were human!”
While this is a monumental step in determining the relationship between humans and Kogod students, this has perhaps created more questions than it has answered.
“We used to think that the differences we saw were genetically based,” said Holly Mitchell, senior fellow at the DC Institute of Business Major Studies. “You know, the massive alcohol tolerance we traditionally attributed that to larger liver sizes. They have very unique social tendencies. The males in particular tend to join troops of other males known as ‘frats’ in order to increase their chances of mating. Previous research suggested that this was instinctual compensation for their naturally smaller phalli, but all of this has come into question. We’re just not sure what separates us from them anymore.”
Because Kogod students and humans have such distinct differences, it can be hard to believe the two could be so genetically similar. Yet Mitchell confirmed that the scientific community has taken care to note the important similarities.
“It’s always been fascinating just how similar the two are,” continued Mitchell. “They have comparable physiology. Both humans and Kogod students can use basic tools, both have the ability to sweat and both are quick to develop dependence on monster energy drinks. With this new finding, it looks like we’re even closer to them than we thought.”
Recent archaeological findings have led scientists to theorize that business students and other majors might be linked through a common ancestor. The findings include petroglyphs in the depths of Kerwin subterrace that seem to depict a previously unknown major, one that appears to have consisted only of random government and economics crap shoved together. Though its exact name continues to elude archaeologists, academics have coined the term CLEG (Currently Lost Evolutionary Go-between) to describe the group. Many questions are still left to be answered about its connection to business majors and humans, such as how they survived through an amalgamation of minors instead of a major, and how one would explain it outside of D.C.
Meanwhile, many have rebuked the suggestion that humans and Kogod students could be related as blasphemous. The Purity In Social Sciences Foundation has already filed a lawsuit for what they call the defamation of social science integrity.
“They’re telling us that we’re related to Kogod students now?” PISS spokesman Wyatt Landry seethed. “They’re not social scientists! Burwell didn’t make them in her image! What’s next, are you gonna tell me we’ve got a common ancestor with apes? Or worse, performing arts majors? Give me a break!”
On all sides of the scientific world however, concerns about conservation have increasingly come to the forefront. Spearheaded by renowned Kogod Conservationist Mary-Ann Krasner, advocacy efforts to protect endangered groups have flourished in recent months.
“We have all of these fascinating specimens in Kogod, but we’re just not getting the funding we need,” Krasner said. “The White Collared Braggart, for example, is one of the loudest land mammals on the planet when broadcasting their achievements at networking events. De Padre’s Bum is one of the only groups in the world that can still rely entirely on their parents for financial success in the modern economy. With such unique creatures, we can not allow them to lose their habitat.”
While much more research is necessary, this discovery has put researchers ever closer to the eternal question of “who the hell goes to American University to pursue a business degree?”
Jack Leary is a junior in the school of Germanic Renaissance portraiture and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell and Paige Caron.
satire@theeagleonline.com
