The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional.
I have attended exactly zero Senate meetings of the American University Student Government. And yet, I have formed extremely strong opinions about it.
To me, AUSG exists in three forms:
1. A table inside MGSC with free candy
2. An Instagram infographic with a pastel gradient
3. That one ambitious guy from your School of Public Affairs and School of International Service class who says “when I’m elected” in casual conversation
If you ask the average American University student what AUSG actually does, you would probably get one of the following answers:
“They plan events?”
“They argue?”
“Is that the thing with debates?”
“Wait, is that the same as RHA?”
Unless you are deeply embedded in Senate culture, AUSG feels like a simulation of government, like Model UN but with slightly higher stakes and significantly better Canva graphics. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: it’s NOT fake. AUSG allocates student organization funding. They run referendums. They advocate with the administration. They control parts of the money you pay in student fees. They can push for changes in campus policy, social spaces and student resources, which makes it debatably more powerful than the average group chat.
And yet, most of us only engage during election season, when Instagram stories and posters appear, tabling intensifies and everyone suddenly cares deeply about “transparency.”
So in honor of that sacred tradition, I’ve decided to run. Please enjoy my following campaign message.
A Totally Real AUSG Campaign Ad
Hi AU,
I’m running for Senate because I believe in service, leadership and strategic vision.
I care deeply about:
The Letts Hall fire alarms, which are developing a more consistent sleep schedule than residents.
Why the TDR chicken feels emotionally distant.
Expanding 21+ spaces, but also protecting your inner child.
Canvas notifications as a public health emergency.
If elected, I promise:
Transparency (I will post cryptic Instagram stories).
Advocacy (I will send at least one strongly worded email).
Change (Details pending).
I believe in bipartisan cooperation between the SPA and SIS.
I believe in fiscal responsibility, unless it’s for snacks.
I believe in you.
Vote for me, because together, we can ensure that the flames of democracy burn brighter than the ones setting off our smoke detectors.
Okay. Now that we’ve gotten that out of our system.
Not a simulation. Not a resume line. Not a LinkedIn origin story.
An actual institution with actual influence.
And if that sounds dramatic, congratulations.
You are now ready to run for Senate.
Or at least to understand how the budget is (wasting) oops, I mean, using student fees.
Sincerely, SIS, Kogod Minor (Fraud Pending)
Faiza Mujahid is a junior at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Faiza Mujahid. It was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell and Paige Caron.
