The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
An interdisciplinary analysis nobody asked for, but everyone NEEDED.
For centuries, scholars have insisted that references to “stoning” in religious texts are about legal punishment, historical context and moral frameworks.
This paper proposes a simpler explanation: What if they just meant … being stoned?
Judaism: Community-Based “Stoning” Initiatives
The Hebrew Bible is surprisingly enthusiastic about group participation: “The entire assembly must stone them,” (Leviticus 24:16).
The entire assembly? Not a few people. Not a committee. Everyone.
This is not punishment. This is a function and a campus event.
This is AU students on a Friday night.
The emphasis on group involvement suggests something less like law enforcement and more like: “Hey guys, are we all bringing gummies or brownies?”
Christianity: Extremely Inclusive “Stoning” Policy
The Old Testament text is very clear: “A man who lays with another man should be stoned,” (Leviticus 20:13).
Should be stoned! And honestly, that’s a very strong statement.
Because what this is really giving is … inclusivity. The lack of logistics makes it even better. No one’s organizing, no one’s policing, no one’s questioning. It’s just assumed everyone understands what’s going on (and going in).
This feels less like God’s wrath and more like a function. Queer, relaxed and already fully set up. Like okay. You showed up with your boyfriend. Someone else already brought the rolling papers.
Islam: Structured “Stoning” Situation
Islamic texts take a more detailed approach: “… they shall receive one hundred lashes and be stoned to death,” (Sahih Muslim 17:4191).
One hundred lashes and be stoned. So now we’re getting specifics. This is organized, deliberate and clearly thought through. And that’s exactly what makes it stand out.
A routine. A process people are already familiar with. At that point, it doesn’t feel like anyone is figuring anything out. It feels like people are arriving already prepared.
Not “what are we doing?” More like: “Did you bring the OG Kush or not?” And someone is issuing a fatwa for Khalifa Kush.
Discussion
Across all three traditions, we see repeated references to “stoning,” group settings, strong reactions from participants, and most importantly, no one ever says, “Hey, maybe we should all calm down and ask Jesus what he thinks.” Since you know, he’s in all three of them, just with very different job descriptions.
Conclusion
This study concludes that while Abrahamic religions may not officially endorse weed, they have displayed a remarkable and persistent interest in the concept of being “stoned.”
Whether through communal gathering, selective participation or highly structured engagement, the pattern is difficult to ignore.
At a minimum, the texts suggest one universal truth: Jewish people, Christians and Muslims were already stoned, which really explains the lack of coordination.
References
[1] Authors, Extremely Unqualified Ancient Group Activities That Feel Suspiciously Familiar
[2] Someone in the Kay Spiritual Life Center: “I swear this makes sense if you think about it.”
[3] Definitely Not a Scholar. Trust Me, Bro: A Theological Approach.
[4] This Paper, peer-reviewed by vibes.
Faiza Mujahid is a junior at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Faiza Mujahid. It was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell and Paige Caron.
satire@theeagleonline.com
