Hollywood has given Oscars to method actors, comeback stories and men who whisper into microphones for three hours. Considering how easy it was for them, is it really such a big deal if we give Trump the Nobel Peace Prize?
And who better to receive this towering honor than President Donald J. Trump: a man whose diplomacy strategy includes omen-level hand gestures and occasionally remembering what country he's talking about mid-sentence.
And yet, against all odds, logic and international precedent, it worked. The world didn’t just survive him; it rewarded him. This is the story of how Trump, the man who once threatened nuclear war over Twitter, became the Nobel Committee’s most unexpected honoree.
ACHIEVEMENTS IN “PEACE” (loosely defined)
- Prevented wars by nearly starting them. If chaos is an unstable ladder, Trump is a full OSHA violation.
- Met with dictators — not to challenge them, but to try on their leadership style like a blazer. Empathy is his strong suit.
- Brought unity to the world by getting nearly every country to agree on one thing: annoyed confusion.
- Enacted foreign policy through “truth” posts, proving you can destabilize a continent before breakfast. Foreign policy? No, Foreign freestyle.
- Redefined peace from “absence of conflict" to “no one has detonated anything yet.”
His “DIPLOMATIC TECHNIQUE”
Traditionally, peace requires negotiation, nuance and patience. But Trump pioneered a new model: loud noises and golf carts.
When asked about nuclear conflict, he famously said, “we’ll see what happens,” a phrase also used when toddlers pick up scissors.
Historic.
NOBEL COMMITTEE (ALLEGEDLY) REACTS
“We’ve never seen world peace achieved through pure confusion before.” — Anonymous juror, blinking twice for help
“He repeatedly approached the launch button and did not press it. And honestly, that’s a miracle by American standards.” — Committee aide whispering from under the desk
“In a twisted way, he did unite the globe — in self-defense.” — International observers
“If historical trauma were a foreign policy doctrine, he'd be a founding father.” — Historians
“Fight or Flight? No, the world chose freeze.” — Psychologists
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION:
Donald J. Trump, president of peace (genre: unintentional)
Best Director: Ego
Best Producer: Unfettered Hubris
Best Foreign Policy Consultant: The Golf Channel
Runtime: Four very long years
Rated: PG for “Please God”
ACCEPTANCE SPEECH (as delivered by the laureate himself)
“Thank you, thank you. Many people are calling this the greatest peace anyone has ever seen. They said you needed diplomacy. I proved all you need is unpredictability and a Twitter password. Other presidents talked about unity. I caused it. The whole world was watching, holding its breath. All very moved, very emotional.
It takes real strength to walk up to the edge of global conflict and simply… not commit. Tremendous restraint. Historic restraint. Some would say divine restraint. The Nobel committee understands this. They saw something special. They saw a man who almost pressed the button and said, ‘That's leadership.’ And so I humbly accept this award on behalf of all nations that survived me. You’re welcome.”
CLOSING CREDITS
The Nobel Committee has confirmed that this year’s Peace Prize goes to the only man who could make the entire planet look the other way and somehow still qualify for a yacht on the secret guest list of the world's most peaceful predators.
If Obama got the Nobel Prize for “hope,” then logically, Trump deserves it for “welp.”
Because peace isn't really about ending a conflict anymore, it's about having the right photo op, the right handshake and the right lighting. Trump did not restore global harmony; he rebranded chaos with a spray tan and a press badge.
The bar for greatness is now buried somewhere beneath a golf course in Florida, next to the moral compass he misplaced. And yet, in a world where image beats integrity, this is a kind of peace. Polished, Profitable and Predator approved feels almost inevitable.
Faiza Mujahid is a junior at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
