The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Dear Gen Z,
My name is Bryden Rorech. I’m 12 years old. And yes, I’m part of Gen Alpha.
Go ahead and laugh. Laugh, like you always do. In a few years, it won’t be so funny anymore. When I become the world’s first billionaire in 10 years after my keen investments in 6-7 Coin and shrewd Polymarket bets, you’ll all be begging me for entrance into my mansion — and I’ll say NO. Suck it!
In 10 years, I’ll have my choice of beautiful women. If my guesses on what girls look like under their clothes are correct, I’ll be in for an exciting and slightly terrifying time (my friend Michael told me that they have thorns around their belly, and I have no evidence to refute him with). Once I rizz up and wed my beautiful tradwife, I’ll buy a cow and have her cook the steak it lays every day.
You Gen Z losers have the worst taste! Especially my older brother Kaeighden. He had his friends over last night and they wouldn’t let me play Madden with them, even though I beat the CPU by like a billion points every time. After they left, I tried some of the stuff they were drinking and it was awful! It tasted like the doctor’s office. I hate the doctor’s office, but at least they give you a lollipop.
But it’s not just Gen Z. The older adults always write us off, too. And if I could write, I’d write them off right back. My mom said I could only submit this if I didn’t use ChatGPT, so I’m trying something new with this whole stone-age “writing” thing. I really didn’t want to disappoint her, because The Eagle is her favorite newspaper ever even though she never went to AU. I don’t plan on going to college anyway, it’s a scam. I saw a TikTok yesterday about how you can make free money dropshipping and that app’s never lied to me before!
To those of you who read to the end, a few things: first of all, how? Weren’t you bored? This is like, a whole page #essay #notreadingallat. Secondly, I do hope that we as generations can find some common ground. I’ve seen the stuff you guys laughed at in 2016. You’re no better than I am. Thirdly … I forgot the third thing. Probably wasn’t important.
If you need to contact me, you can send me a friend request on Roblox at “huggywuggy27”. I try to respond in 1-2 business days, possibly more if there’s a Grow a Garden event happening. Happy skibidi to you, reader, and may your days be tuff.
Domenic DiPietro is a sophomore at American University and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Nicole Kariuki.
