The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Facing a mounting budget deficit and sustained federal attacks on secondary education, American University has looked to a little-known consultant group: SUCCS (Squires Under Credible Clerical Services). Promoting old-fashioned values, supporters of the group point to its success in balancing university budgets while opponents say SUCCS doesn’t do enough to prepare students for the future of the workplace. While the University has declined to comment on the situation, the Seagle was able to obtain a scroll that fell off the back of a visiting squire’s donkey. The contents are below:
Goodmorrow Sire Alger.
Many happy tidings to you. Below we included some of our propositions to balance the debts of your blessed institution. May God keep your soul well.
- The student health center will be dissolved and students shall be given five leeches at the beginning of each semester which they are free to use at their personal discretion. After that any imbalance in the humors will be addressed through self-flagilation and prayer.
- Parking will be paid through the promise of one’s first born son. If the party fails to sire a male in a 10-year period, their family must pay the customary tribute of five oxen.
- “Thank Clawed it’s Wednesday” will henceforth be replaced with displays of public merriment such as jousting, falcon hunting and the devilishly fun Nine Men’s Morris. Oh happy day!
- In lieu of failing grades, all students unable to meet our academic standards shall serve as indentured laborers within Airlife Farms for two moons. This will have the added bonus of increasing your harvests to protect against times of scarcity.
- All students will be required to live on campus inside the newly fortified moat.
- You will cull your linguistics program of the unpolished Germanic tongues and the hedonistic Castillian. They shall be replaced with the King’s Latin.
- All school-wide email correspondence will henceforth be done through a town crier, who shall be chosen from your considerable population of theater majors, or your even greater population of theater kids on the Mock trial team without the balls to major in it.
- The University shall pledge fealty to the great and glorious Chicago Bears, per directive from our holy father. May they Bear Down eternally, in Ben Johnson’s name, Amen.
When asked, the office of the President issued this statement:
“I will no longer be taking questions from unwashed, unlanded gentry such as yourself. Return to the squalor from whence you came or I shall see to it the remainder of your days will be spent in the stocks.”
India Siecke is a senior in the School of Public Affairs.
This article was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell, Addie DiPaolo, Isabella Polak and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell and Paige Caron.
satire@theeagleonline.com
