The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
While for many students college is a four-year affair, rising costs and flexible graduation requirements have inspired many American University students to graduate a semester early. Here at The Seagle, we’ve compiled a list of reasons to consider graduating in December. Everyone is doing it, after all.
- Create an air of mystery in any icebreaker.
- When it comes time to introduce yourself by year, you’ll immediately pull focus and create an aura of mysticism. Who is this person? Are they a junior or a senior? Did they come in with credits, or did they take summer classes? The possibilities for someone graduating in December are as endless as they are boring!
- Get a real deep-cut commencement speaker.
- From Bill Clinton to Denzel Washington, Eagles graduating in May have seen a variety of accomplished Nobel laureates, Supreme Court justices, international leaders and artists. But those are the everyman’s commencement speakers. You’re ready for the hidden gems. Graduating in the fall gives you unprecedented access to exciting figures like that one guy from Lord of the Rings or the 21st Surgeon General of the United States. You’ll say things like “Wow,” “Who are you?” and “No, really, who are you?”
- Skip out on all those pesky graduation rituals.
- Many clubs, sports teams and other on-campus organizations have special rituals to help commemorate their members’ years of time and dedication. Snooze fest! By graduating early, you skip out on all that sappy stuff by making a classy Irish exit from 4400 Massachusetts Ave. NW. Maybe no one will even notice that you left!
- Get a head start on unemployment!
- When all your friends will be freshly unemployed come May, you will have already been unemployed for a healthy five months. You’ll have eaten so much instant ramen that your blood will taste like chicken flavoring.
- Give yourself more time to listen to Phoebe Bridgers’ “Punisher.”
- You know what they say about January… It’s the perfect time to listen to indie darling Phoebe Bridgers’ 2022 hit album “Punisher!” By graduating in December, you free up your January (and the rest of your life!) from pesky syllabi and readings so you can give Phoebe your full attention.
- Make your loved ones prove their devotion to your academic pursuits.
- Getting a “Congrats Grad!” card in the spring is like going cruising in San Francisco: it’s easy and sleazy. Finding a graduation card in the depths of December? Now that’s a challenge! Force all those in your life to really prove their love for you by making them scour every CVS, Walgreens and Rite Aid for the lone college graduation card left out.
India Siecke is a Senior in the College of Arts and Sciences.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
