The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Hey guys, it’s me, Alana Parker. Writing to you for the last time as your favorite opinion editor’s favorite opinion editor. And this is being published by AWOL and The Rival and The Blackprint. Yes, you read that right, and yes, the brilliant minds of “Poop Wicked” and “Citizen Kane” caught shit in a toilet thrice. Fart on down to theaters and come see “Poop Wicked 2: For Poop.” You’ll sing, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry and yes. You might even poop. Perchance.
With an all-new reconstipated score. You’ll sing your butt out to instant classics like:
- No one wipes the wicked
- Dear Old Shiz (still works!)
- The Shitzard and I
- What is this farting?
- Something shat
- Digging through life (if life means your butt, twin)
- Poop-ular. You’re gonna be poop-ular! I’ll teach you the proper stool so you’re not a fool. All the ways to flatulence.
- I’m not that stool
- One skid mark
- A scatimental man
- Defecating gravity
- Stank goodness
- Toiletful
- I’m not that stool (number 2)
- As long as you poop
- No poopee
- March of the shit sharters
- For good poop (try Bender Library first floor)
- Finale “Poop Wicked 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
You’ll walk out of “Poop Wicked 2: For Poop,” knowing that the first “Poop Wicked” wasn’t just some poop in the bowl. You might even wanna come back for number 3, whatever that is. Maybe “The Whiz”? Can we publish that? Whatever. We’ll just send it to the Rival.
Starring:
- Poop Dawgy Dog: Himself
- Helen Keller: Miss Coddle
- Anson Clark: India’s friend and neighbor. Aidan’s friend and roommate.
- Owen Leary: The poop
- Jack Leary: The poop 2!!
- BARELY LEGAL (at time of publishing) Brendan Leary: Elphaba Thropp
- Kelen Heller: Flying monkey #1
- Zac Efron (old face): Fiyero
- Aidan Bowell: Satire Editor/ Tin Man
- Shaq: Boq
- Lin-Manuel Miranda: Fiyero understudy
- Pedro Pascal: Not sure, but he’s in most things nowadays
- Curtis Sliwa: Comic relief
- Jonathan Bailey: Munchkin #3
- The Rizzler: Dorothy
- Stephen Hawking: Weird Goat Doctor (may he rest in power) (unless you’ve read the Epstein stuff) (if so, rot in hell, Stephen)
- United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy: Wizard
- Jeff Goldblum: United States Secretary of Health and Human Services
- Wawa in Tenleytown, USA: Emerald City
- Relevant (to some) Blonde Lady with a Pretty Voice: Glinda
- Eric’s mom: Mother to Eric
- Sydney Sweeny: Racist Emerald City Resident
- Clairo: Younger, more beautiful Emerald City Resident
- Hunter Schafer: Princess Zelda
- John Travolta (in “Hairspray” drag): Madam Morrible
Editor’s note (it’s me, ALANA PARKER): One time in the fourth grade at my school talent show, I sang “Defying Gravity” and shit myself (got EVERYWHERE). I was so embarrassed. I still am. I can’t believe I’m telling you this. Well, that’s it. That’s… Shit? Anyways, I’m Alana, and you’re watching “Poop Wicked 2.”
Poop
This article was written by the Seagle Staff. It was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
