The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Outrage erupted on campus yesterday as students were shocked to learn that the beloved first-year government professor, Toukid Intrench, is not who he seems.
The purported 27-year-old professor is not, in fact, a degree-holding Georgetown graduate, but rather two graduate students in a comically large trenchcoat. As it turns out, the ruse was part of a recent attempt by American University to reduce spending on salaries in the face of its astoundingly high financial deficit. The program was exposed by one half of “Toukid,” if that is even his real name.
The Seagle was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the lower half of the duo, who has agreed to provide information, provided we refer to him only as “The Sparrow.” Here’s an excerpt:
The Seagle (TS): So, who came up with the idea for this character?
The Sparrow (TS): It was me, of course. I did all the heavy lifting in every possible way you could interpret that. All the top half had to do was put on a smile and use his slightly older-looking face.
TS: Was there anything in particular that made you crack?
TS: During office hours, I had to eat my lunch under the trenchcoat, just in case a student walked in. For the first three weeks, nobody did, and Top Half McGee still rested his feet on me. When a student finally did come in, they asked about his 9-foot stature, and Top Half said that he did Peloton a lot. I stood up for myself — again, in every possible way you could imagine — and promptly scared that student straight out of the building.
TS: Interesting. Do you know who’s going to finish the second half of your class?
TS: Yes, the class is in very capable hands. More hands than usual, actually. Our colleague Tomorkids Intrench was fortunately available to step in. No relation. Don’t look them up.
~
Students in GOVT-420, which focuses on the importance of citizen awareness in society, had mixed reactions to the revelation.
One student told us “It’s always the people you least expect. If I can’t trust a 9-foot-tall 20-something with the fashion sense of Dick Tracy, who can I trust?”
Another said, “I’m gonna miss Toukid, but it was impossible to take notes in that class. His massive stature completely covered up the board. I just didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to be rude.”
One student, in a solitary speech on the quad, opined that it was “painfully obvious” that Toukid was not an ordinary professor. He added, “Am I the only person in this school who didn’t immediately clock him? I’ve seen enough people like him trying to sneak into R-rated movies. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”
Not to be outdone, the Toukid Fan Club began their “Free Toukid Walkout” 20 minutes later.
When asked for comment, American University did not respond. They did, however, send us a fruit basket. It was all shitty fruit like durians, though. We’re still trying to figure out what this means.
Domenic DiPietro is a sophomore at American University and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
