The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University is proud to report that freshman Isaiah Sternberg has been awarded the highly prestigious Goldman Environmental Prize for his pledge to keep all his personal romantic and sexual endeavors within his dorm floor.
That’s right, every booty call, sexually charged friendship and even late-night Instagram story-like has been confined to the people he shares a lounge with. Isaiah’s floorcest conquests have cut his carbon footprint by almost 5 percent as he no longer has to Uber, take the bus or even walk more than 50 feet to get some of that sweet, sweet neighborly love.
The Goldman Environmental Prize strives to “honor ordinary people who take extraordinary actions to protect our planet.”
Winners include those who have fought for indigenous land rights, exposed waste trafficking schemes and now a student with nothing but a dream of neighborly affection and a high libido. When asked for commentary on their choice, Executive Director Michael Sutton appeared confident.
“While some people might see Mr. Sternberg’s victory as a surprise, we couldn’t feel stronger in our choice to elevate this young activist,” Sutton said. “We can only see eye to eye on this climate crisis once we start thinking heart to heart, hand to hand and even mouth to mouth.”
Dr. Shelby Burton, a professor at American University and a medical anthropologist who studies emerging zoonotic diseases in the Horn of Africa, was also reportedly on the short list. Sternberg's surprise victory inspired her.
“I mean, the stuff Isaiah’s doing, it’s truly one of a kind,” Burton said. “He’s made me re-evaluate my own carbon footprint. Originally, my husband was going to visit me during my seven-month research sabbatical in Somalia. But I’ve asked him to cancel that superfluous flight. Is this enough? Of course not, it’s never enough. But maybe in this small sacrifice I can attempt to replicate a fraction of the good Isaiah’s done.”
Word of Isaiah’s deeds and — dare we say it — heroics has spread around the University. Dozens of dorm dwellers have selflessly kept their roving hands within a circle of their twenty to thirty closest peers. Closest in a literal sense, of course. In a heartwarming nod to John Stuart Mill’s thesis on utilitarianism, the Lincoln Scholars have reportedly been experimenting with a cohort-wide polycule.
“Almost every major religion tells its disciples to ‘love thy neighbor,’” they said in a statement. “Through this polycule, we hope to finally achieve that.”
Of course, like any visionary, Isaiah’s message has not been without its detractors. The Residential Assistants of American University have come out against not only the concept of floorcest, but also Isaiah Sternberg as a person.
“Look, I get my job is to build community, but maybe there’s a thing as too much community,” his RA, Shayna Dowell said. “I’m used to dealing with clogged toilets and fire alarms. What I didn’t sign up for was living in a 21st-century harem.”
Unfortunately, Isaiah could not be reached for comment as, according to his roommate, he was down the hall “getting it on.” And to that we say Godspeed, sir.
India Siecke is a Senior in the College of Arts and Sciences.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
