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Diary of an Intern: Demanding columnist seeks driven, versatile intern

(12/09/04 5:00am)

Things seem to be going well today at my internship. For one, it's raining outside. Splendid! Second, the copy of Windows XP on my awful internship laptop has required yet another reinstallation. This morning, it froze during startup and refused to load. Third, I've had a nosebleed every 30 minutes since I walked into the office. I picked an excellent day to wear a freshly pressed white shirt. I'm not a cokehead, I swear.

Diary of an Intern: Constant tunes, weird coworkers speed the day away

(12/02/04 5:00am)

Drinking heavily seemed like an excellent idea last night. Well, to be fair, drinking heavily almost always seems like an excellent idea. But as I cower in my cubicle under the agonizing (and unflattering) flurescent lights, I'm starting to think that "Consume alcohol" should have been struck from last night's itinerary.

Diary of an Intern: Sleep late, party late, get to work late

(11/18/04 5:00am)

I have my internship again tomorrow, which I am dreading. Not because I hate my internship, but because I am a lazy bum who can't stand the thought of waking up before the crack of lunchtime. I should probably go to bed earlier, but whenever I hit the pillow, I know I'm destined to have more insane Nyquil-fueled nightmares about Anna Nicole Smith and estranged members of my family.

Diary of an Intern: Power-hour shopping

(11/11/04 5:00am)

Is there anything better than shopping on your lunch break? Well, probably. Drinking on your lunch break would be better. Ooh, or how about drinking AND shopping! I think there are some stores that allow you to do that. (Boy, I'm starting to sound like a cosmo-guzzling Carrie Bradshaw! And if there is one thing The Eagle doesn't need, it's another columnist who's trying to sound like Carrie Bradshaw.)

Diary of an Intern: Don't stop drinking about tomorrow

(11/04/04 5:00am)

I thought of one thing when Sen. John Kerry conceded the election Wednesday morning to President Bush: I'm still high from last night. Of course, I wasn't actually high because I had used up my rubber cement supply when making my Halloween costume over the weekend, and also because I saw Bush's victory coming a mile away. Congratulations, America! You're about to get the nation you deserve.

Diary of an Intern: Ashlee, don't blame the band

(10/28/04 4:00am)

Could you imagine if Ashlee Simpson was an intern in your office? I envision her at a neighboring cubicle, her rat's nest of a hairdo pooling on the floor beside her dirty Chuck Taylors. The phone would ring, and raising the handset to her bejeweled ear, she'd croak: "Hi, this is, like, Ashlee speaking!" I'd glare at her in hatred, only to be lost in the beak-like nose and butt-like chin that dominate her pinched, mannish face.

Diary of an Intern: Pee to procrastinate

(10/14/04 4:00am)

If there is one way to procrastinate at your internship, it's by taking suspiciously frequent and curiously long trips to the bathroom. These toilet-bound sojourns allow you precious time - 15 minutes, at the very least - to run the faucet, inspect your reflection and otherwise not do work. And if there's a diaper-changing table in the handicap stall, you might even have the chance to rest your head and take a quick power nap!

Diary of an Intern: Tired as hell, not going to take it anymore

(10/07/04 4:00am)

Can you believe that my parents still haven't told me about my $1 million trust fund? I had been hoping to invest this money in a wholly undeserved luxury vehicle and an expensive drug habit, but due to my parents' playful reticence, these financial undertakings must wait until they spill the beans. In the meantime, I've been practicing my "A trust fund? What a surprise!" face and also waiting tables to make some cash.

'Straight Plan' rips off 'Queer Eye'

(02/23/04 5:00am)

Comedy Central's "Straight Plan for the Gay Man" might have seemed like a good idea on paper. Its concept is an obvious and inevitable rip-off of Bravo's "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy": A fraternity of straight comedians - the so-called "Flab Four" - help a gay man achieve his dream of becoming a pot-bellied, beer-guzzling booty worshiper. Curing homosexuality through reparative therapy has never seemed so fun!

Web Sights: Porn for the rest of us weirdos

(02/23/04 5:00am)

Think porn is just for middle-aged businessmen and your perverted roommate? Well, you're probably right. But Fleshbot.com - a daily Web magazine with links to amateur cam girls, sex blogs, smut, vintage erotica, celebrity candids and hardcore video - seems to believe otherwise. The New York Times described Fleshbot as "erudite porn," a strange oxymoron that is somehow fitting. Though it's definitely not safe for work (or the computer lab), Fleshbot might tickle you pink when you're in the mood for galleries of nude Disney cartoon characters or portraits of supermodels made from chewed gum.

Web Sights: Blacktable.com

(02/02/04 5:00am)

Short on cash but with plenty of time to spare, a group of dot com bust refugees launched The Black Table (www.blacktable.com) in January 2003 with the intention of bringing a dose of jaded cynicism to the Web. After a year of daily updates, The Black Table has become one of the smarter, more edgy sources of original content on the Internet. Take, for instance, its weekly reader-submitted reviews of everything and anything, known as the Black List. (One review gives "Charlize Theron in 'Monster'" an A+. Another pans "People who don't wear hats when it's freezing" with a D+.) With its unpredictable feature stories and snarky recurring columns, The Black Table is everything you wish you said, but knew you were thinking all along.