There's something to be admired about an intern who shows up for her first day on Capitol Hill and is in handcuffs by lunchtime. In my experience, at least two weeks go by before the authorities begin their investigation, and by then the sexual misconduct charges are usually dropped.
But seriously. According to Roll Call, a leading Congressional newspaper, an intern embarked on a tour of the Capitol as part of her orientation, and while being searched at the security checkpoint, the guard found a one-hitter in her purse and arrested her. Holy smokes! I'm sure hundreds of staff assistants and legal aides were grateful to have left their bongs and meth pipes at home that day. Who could have ever anticipated this sudden crackdown on the casual transport of drug paraphernalia into and out of the Capitol Building?
The poor intern. It's tempting to dismiss her as "stupid" or "deserving of ridicule" or "your typical AU student," but I'm sure she had reason to bring a "Fun Size" smoking device to work. Perhaps, like Arsenio Hall, she has discovered the medicinal benefits of marijuana. Or maybe she uses it merely to smoke flavored tobacco! And it's not like she was schlepping around a brick of cocaine. It was just a tiny one-hitter. Not even Nancy Reagan could get high off of that thing.
Despite the cruel injustice, there is a lesson to be learned, and I'm pretty sure I know what it is: Don't bring illegal substances or devices to your internship. Even if you work at a highly insecure non profit without so much as a deadbolt on the door, leave your collection of loaded firearms scattered throughout your dorm room where it belongs. You'll have a lot of explaining to do when your nosy co-worker discovers a sawed-off shotgun in your Kate Spade clutch.
Inter-office contraband is not limited to narcotics and WMDs. Though these are probably the only things with which you risk jail time, there are plenty of other seemingly benign items that could, at the very least, damage the relationship between you and your employer. Brace yourself for the inevitable list.
1. Condoms. Do not bring condoms to the office. Ever. There should be absolutely no need whatsoever for the at-work deployment of a contraceptive device. Of course, it's your prerogative to carry with you a Trojan at all times - "just in case," right? - but if it falls out, prepare to be unfairly judged as a big whore.
2. Snack foods. A small Ziploc of pretzel sticks is acceptable. A commune-sized airbag of Utz Bar-B-Q flavored potato chips is not. If you are one of those healthy people who require sustenance at least six times a day, munch on an apple, some granola or another organic product that will make Cecile feel guilty for eating lunch at Wendy's. Despite Britney Spears' penchant for Cheetos, binging on snack foods is a trashy habit that is best left to those who eat their feelings.
3. Cigarettes. This is really a judgment call. I interned at a radio station this summer, and the "on-air personalities" (i.e. DJs) smoked like chimneys. So if you find yourself in an office where everyone smokes, then whip out the Parliaments with reckless abandon. Alternately, if your boss's husband died of lung cancer, you might want to think twice about lighting up. Many people judge smokers as neurotic and anxious, so be careful.
4. Emotional baggage. Everyone loves hearing about your problems, right? Wrong. If you're one episode of "Dawson's Creek" away from suicide, consider calling in sick. It's bad enough that you're an intern. It's even worse to be a whiny intern.
5. Applications for employment elsewhere. Not enough spare time at home to search for future internship opportunities? Get arrested at the workplace and you'll have all the time in the world!
