Diary of an Intern: Demanding columnist seeks driven, versatile intern

Things seem to be going well today at my internship. For one, it's raining outside. Splendid! Second, the copy of Windows XP on my awful internship laptop has required yet another reinstallation. This morning, it froze during startup and refused to load. Third, I've had a nosebleed every 30 minutes since I walked into the office. I picked an excellent day to wear a freshly pressed white shirt. I'm not a cokehead, I swear.

And finally, I left my lunch on the kitchen counter in my apartment. This means I must once again eat lunch at Chipotle. Unfortunately, this is the Chipotle in Dupont Circle that doesn't give you a free soda when you flash your AU ID card. Who would have known that the AU ID has become the black AmEx of Tenleytown?

Anyway, just as my tenure as intern columnist comes to a close, so does my actual internship. Things are winding down, so you'll want to make sure to get a letter of recommendation and compile your clips (if applicable) before it's too late. And in my case, there are a few other things I'd like to do before my internship ends.

For instance, there is a garbage can near the edge of my cubicle. It is a very nice garbage can -small, black, plastic, almost sassy. It is an appropriate receptacle for the sort of refuse I have been creating since I got into the office at 10:20 a.m. (20 minutes late, as usual). Things like used tissues, crumpled-up Post-Its, an empty Styrofoam cup. All it takes to dispose of such waste is an effortless toss. Score! It lands right in the can.

Of course, I do not use this garbage can. I prefer to stand up, carry my spent Post-It down the hall, and place it in the much larger garbage can in the break room. You see, the larger garbage affords a much better view of The Hottie from Marketing. I am rapidly and helplessly falling in love with The Hottie from Marketing, so I cherish each and every visit to the larger garbage can.

Sometimes I crumple up a Post-It just so I have something to throw away. Hello, I'm a loser. But if over the past semester you've developed a crush on a co-intern or your boss or the lady who Windexes the lobby windows, then now is the time to act.

So, seeing as to how this is my last column, I'd like to close with a little solicitation. I've been an intern for as long as I can remember, and earlier this semester, I toyed with the idea of hiring an intern for myself. Well, it's official: I am looking for a dedicated intern - one who shall function as the proverbial handrail that guides me toward what our parents have always referred to as "the real world."

Job Description: Manage home, property and bar tab while Mike is away; schedule appointments, travel arrangements and emotional meltdowns; act as liaison between Mike and liquor store; create, I mean, inspire original, dynamic content for The Eagle.

Skills/Requirements: Aesthetically pleasing but comparatively unappealing when next to Mike; ability to anticipate whims; little to no self-respect; bartending experience a plus.

The intern receives 52 personal days a year. These personal days can alternately be referred to as "Sunday." Sick days are permitted on an ad hoc basis. Please note: Any illness that warrants a "sick day" but does not result in the immediate termination of the intern's life will undoubtedly result in the immediate termination of the intern's job.

Apply within, my friends. Go out and get a good internship before it's too late, and to those who are graduating this semester, don't say I didn't warn you!

Michael Vallebuona is a senior CLEG and journalism major.

badintern@gmail.com

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