Satire: New Green Route shuttle will take you to hell and back

Have fun trying to get to your internship on time

Satire: New Green Route shuttle will take you to hell and back

An AU shuttle stops outside the Katzen Arts Center in 2018. 

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

This semester, AU’s transportation services introduced a new addition to the shuttle system, the Green Route, which shows up at a random stop every 37.5 minutes and takes unsuspecting students to hell and back.

“We really wanted to make basic travel as difficult as possible for our student body,” said transportation services chair Susan Hoffman. “By creating the Green Route, we are able to transport our students to hell and back quickly and efficiently. Maybe now they’ll stop complaining about the overpriced food.”

At first, students were led to believe the Green Route would drop them in the neighboring area of Friendship Heights, but they quickly realized just how mistaken they were.

“I looked out the window and everything was on fire,” said freshman Lilly Tennon. “The grass was scorched, the houses were abandoned and all the people had a glassy look in their eyes. At first I thought I was back on campus, but I soon realized I was somewhere much, much worse.”

Other students have described their encounters with the Green Route as the most frightening event of their college career.

“Second only to a bad frat party experience,” said sophomore Grace Selinger. “There was a Whole Foods there, but they had no organic food. I’ve never been more scared in my life.”

Though most students quickly learned their lesson and haven’t boarded a shuttle on the Green Route since, others haven’t been so lucky.

“I was trying to get to Spring Valley, but I ended up in a place that looked like World of Warcraft,” junior George Green told The Seagle. “Needless to say, I missed my 11:20 class.”

When students began catching on to the horrors of the Green Route, the administration knew they had to step up their game.

“We then introduced the Gold Route, which drops each who boards the shuttle off in their own personal hell,” Hoffman explained.

John Thomas, a political science major in SPA, says the scene was the most terrifying thing he had ever encountered when he stepped off the Gold Route shuttle he had accidentally boarded minutes before.

“No one knew who their senators were, no one was registered to vote,” recounted Thomas, shivering slightly. “The only constitutional amendment they knew was the second.”

Senior and biology major Becca Cashman says when she stepped off the shuttle, she was the only person in sight for miles.

“Honestly, it wasn’t that different from life as a bio major at American University. I’m transferring next semester,” Cashman said.

Hoffman says that though the Gold Route Project was considered a success, the administration has big plans for the future.

“To ensure that we give our students the hardest time possible, and give them a taste of public transportation in the real world, we’re just going to revert to our original system,” Hoffman said. “Overcrowding, long waits, and random stops -- not unlike the Metro -- are all part of our strategy to make our students as miserable as possible.”

Students report they would still rather be taken to hell than Tenleytown.

Bobbie Armstrong is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

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