From the Newsstands: This article appeared in The Eagle’s December 2025 print edition which can be viewed here.
Here at The Seagle, we hate the veil of anonymity between us and our loyal readers. If we could, we’d spend every moment by your side! But in honor of The Eagle’s centenary, take this quiz to see which Seagle writer you have the most in common with. They’ll be dispatched to you soon.
Question 1: Who is the best person in the world?
A: Former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack
B: Ellen
C: OG Anunoby
D: Malala
E: Jimmy Carter’s corpse
F: ME!!!!
G: Jack Leary
Question 2: Describe your ethics code in one word.
A: Defenestration
B: Loose
C: Pragmatic
D: Feelz
E: Hammurabi
F: Musk
G: Awesome!
Question 3: If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
A: The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
B: My house
C: The living one
D: Puppy pile paradise
E: Tent under I-95
F: Hotel Transylvania
G: Aidan Dowell’s house
Question 4: Which sin do you most cherish?
A: Envy (wishing I had pride)
B: Pride :)
C: Greed
D: Lust
E: Gluttony
F: Sloth
G: College newspaper satire writer
Question 5: Favorite sandwich?
A: Idiot
B: Ménage à trois
C: BLT
D: Mayo
E: Chicken parm hoagie
F: Earl of
G: Wawa
Question 6: If you wanna get with me, you have to be ______.
A: Former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack
B: At least 7-foot-3
C: With my friends
D: Immortal
E: Desperate
F: Sooooo cute
G: Ottoman
Question 7: Dream job?
A: Macrodata refiner
B: AI consultant
C: Consigliere
D: Dictator
E: Armed drifter
F: Arms dealer
G: Pronoun police
Question 8: What do you hope lasts 100 years?
A: The McRib
B: Wawa Hoagiefest
C: The microplastics in my stomach
D: Your mom
E: Whip/Nae Nae
F: Vape tricks
G: Opinion Editor Alana Parker
Now the fun part: tally up your answers and see which letter you chose most. The letter you chose over the rest will reveal which of our writers might be your long-lost twin. And, please, try to hide your disappointment. Now CONGRATS! You’re most like…
A) Eric: If you’re most like Eric, take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror. What went wrong? Is it because you picked former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, too? Well, YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM. He’s Eric’s, go find another celebrity (barely) crush.
B) Aidan: If you’re like Aidan, that means you’re one thing. No, not funny, or handsome or determined. You’re grotesque and spider-like. Come to think of it, you would be perfect for the elite squad of gangly white boys Aidan is putting together. Meet us tonight. Tell no one.
C) Domenic: If you’re most like Domenic, I’ve got two words for you: jackpot. Your countless lifetimes in the karmic cycle toiling away as pitiful pond scum have been rewarded. Make the most of this lifetime. Afterwards, it’s back to the pond for you, buddy.
D) Faiza: If you’re like Faiza, you thrive in chaos. You are unhinged but approachable: exactly how you’ll be remembered after establishing the world’s first feminist dictatorship. You’ll charm your enemies into surrender, rally your friends into co-conspirators and still make it to brunch. You will be feared and adored.
E) Jack: You’re most like Jack? Yikes. Our condolences. It’s not all bad. It’s kind of peaceful in a way, being so stupid. Kind of like a dog during nuclear war. No matter how bad things get, at least you only understand like 20 percent of it.
F) Teddi: If you’re Teddi, you’re gorgeous and dangerous: unmatched in wit and humility. Lucky for you, you can’t be self-deprecating when you’re hot stuff. Your jokes don't always land (because others are humorless). Knock knock… It’s yo momma? Who wrote that? You did, you beautiful genius.
G) India: If you’re like India, you’ve got a whole lot of vegetables in your salad. You’re a lover, you’re a resident of Tenleytown and you’re a fighter. You’re the American dream, and you’re a nuclear bomb. You’re bicurious and you’re completely asexual. And you’re scared, you’re so very afraid. Help.
This article was written by the Seagle Staff. It was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
