The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
This week, New Yorkers from all five boroughs turned out in record numbers to give upstart Zohran Mamdani a decisive victory that cemented his place as the Democratic candidate for mayor. Unfortunately, those New Yorkers were wrong. Here at The Seagle, we’ve compiled a list of candidates we think would better represent the Democratic brand in America’s brightest and bluest city.
- Sylvia Burwell
She’s a popular and effective leader with a strong background in labor relations. Plus, her connections to the Obama White House make her a Democratic consultant’s wet dream. Me-ow!
- Alec Baldwin
Decisive. Historic. He’s the boss, baby!
- Iconic New Yorker and “Home Alone 2” actor Donald Trump
Donny, we know you’ve been having fun in D.C., but it’s time to come home.
- Screw it, the rest of “Home Alone 2”
Many hands make light work and they can take turns.
- Someone who is much more of a friend to the Jewish people: Mel Gibson.
Mamdani has inexcusable extremist beliefs. From being Muslim and toxic to making us nervous, he’s simply not the right choice for a city with the largest population of Jewish people outside of Israel. He’s just a liability. That’s why we’re proposing Mel Gibson. He’s a famous and level-headed man whose reasonable opinions about all religions of the world leave us feeling warm and fuzzy.
- A nice chunky heel
We’ve been meaning to get a pair all year, and now that it’s fall, who could be a better leader than a nice chunky heel — preferably a chestnut brown, if possible. This closet staple can take you from Manhattan to Staten Island in comfort and style without so much as a blister.
- Republican Curtis Sliwa
Street vigilante and fashion influencer Curtis Sliwa. Some might say the Republican nominee for mayor is a bit of a curveball for the Democratic nomination. However, we think it’s the perfect signal to right-wing voters that we’re doing everything we can to reach across the aisle. Of course, Mamdani’s own trust in Sliwa’s integrity is a big knock against him.
- The rats
I know we’re all “no kings” nowadays, but how are we feeling about rat kings? Let’s give them a chance!
- Trader Joe
You love his affordable frozen meals, you can’t get enough of his orange chicken and you even put up with his kitschy sauces. Now, imagine a world where you get to taste his comprehensive transportation policy and reasonable permit reform.
- Owen Leary
Because Jack Leary said no.
- “Jessica”
Everyone knows her. Everyone loves her. She’s really nice! And one time we forgot a tampon and she gave us one of hers even though she only had one.
- The Flesh Monster x Gracie Abrams
Need we say more?
- Joe Biden
Even after he’s departed this mortal earth, he is still committed to service. Isn’t that beautiful? Wait, what’s this? Joe Biden is still alive? Really? You’re sure? Wow. Even better!
- Hilaria Baldwin
Say “ola” to new mayor Hilaria Baldwin! As a trained ballroom dancer and famous transethnic, she has shown she can pull off just about anything. Except, of course, speaking Spanish.
- New York City
Maybe the real mayor of New York City is, and always has been, New York City.
This proposal was written by respectful, bipartisan entrepreneur Holden Bloodfeast.
The article was written by the Seagle Staff. It was edited by India Siecke, Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
