From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's April 2025 print edition. You can find the digital version here.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
It’s that time of year again! We still have some time before the start of the 2025-2026 academic year, but departments are already in hot pursuit of the top high school prospects and established stars. We here at The Seagle (which stands for the Sports Eagle, of course) have thankfully prepared a guide to keep you in the loop. Here are our top stories:
The Decision is Made:
- In a highly-anticipated televised spectacle, superstar STEM student and reigning Arts & Sciences MVP LeBrian Jameson announced his decision to transfer from Applied Mathematics to Biology. He and fellow transfer Kris Bosche will join Duane Weede, forming a ferocious “Big 3.” In their introductory press conference, when asked about his predictions for next year, Jameson said they would win “not one, not two, not three, not four…” eventually landing at 5e14 championships.
A Blockbuster Deal:
- In a shocking move, Literature has traded international superstar sophomore Luke Don to Finance in exchange for senior Antonio Davies and a first-round roster spot for the class of 2029. Pundits expected Don to stay with Literature for his entire academic career after he ran away with the Freshman of the Year award and led the school in GPA last year. Fellow Literature students and their fans have been irate at their small return, calling for an investigation for possible tampering. When asked for comment, Finance responded, “No take backs.”
The Holdout Continues:
- We are approaching a month since Communications, Legal Institutions, Economics and Government sophomore Jamie Hartenson publicly requested a major change. The School of Public Affairs has repeatedly stated that they will not entertain trade offers, but it’s impossible to ignore Hartenson’s antics toward the end of last year. Allegations surfaced that they were intentionally sabotaging their own test results, sometimes showing up 40 minutes late to exams and loudly chewing on Funyuns. The relationship between Hartenson and the SPA faculty has grown quite toxic, exacerbated by Hartenson’s unprecedented demands, including unlimited meal exchanges, a fake ID, an entire suite to themself and a key to Qdoba (when asked for comment, Hartenson added that Qdoba was actually a “great study space”).
An Ill-Fated Reunion:
- Last summer, a four-person friend group from Nova High School made headlines for committing together to AU as Political Science students. However, before they could even take a class together, news broke this morning that class clown Vincenzo Dante was traded away. Dante had become an instant fan favorite, lighting up classes with a blazing 91 percent participation rate and an equally impressive 86 percent of his jokes landing. He will take his antics to Theatre, where he hopes to upstage his former teammates.
Domenic DiPietro is a freshman at American University and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker and Abigail Turner. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown, Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Nicole Kariuki, Ariana Kavoossi and Ella Rousseau.
