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Thursday, June 13, 2024
The Eagle
Satire Seagle

Satire: Most Embarrassing TDR Foods

Nothing like eating a warm meat in front of your peers

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

In the public square that is the evil MGC TDR, no meal planner’s dining habits are private. Here is The Seagle’s list of the most embarrassing foods, drinks and other assorted items to publicly chow down on. 

Soup  

  • Who do you think you are? Oliver Twist? 

Glass of milk

  • No comment. 

Finger cakes 

  • It tastes like nothing and makes you feel like a sad giant. 

Fork 

  • I swear I saw it at the salad bar one time! And God did it look delicious.

Hot dog 

  • Our favorite warm, phallic meat. 

A slice of pizza that’s been designed to taste like a sinful peach (?) cobbler 

  • It’s right next to the pizza with creamed corn and beef. 

Stanky fried fish nuggets

  • They might have tasted alright, but you could smell it on us for months. 

Soft serve that is out of the soft serve machine when there’s a long line and you’re not doing it right so then you get a soup cone and it’s so not what you wanted but the line’s too long to try again.

Waffle (in many pieces)

  • You didn’t use the nonstick spray did you? You dirty, dirty pig. You’re a glutton for punishment so now you’ve gotta get scraping. 

Cold oatmeal cookie you thought was a cold chocolate chip cookie

  • Our least favorite chilled treat.

Bone in a chicken wing you have to gnaw on like a freaking dog 

  • Bonus points if it’s nice and saucy!

Whether you’re forced to listen to the imperial march or Moonsong by rockbot, we hope your next trip to TDR is as pain free as possible. 

This piece was edited by India Siecke, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Turner. Copy editing by Luna Jinks and Isabelle Kravis.

satire@theeagleonline.com 


Editor’s note: This podcast discusses topics like suicide, sexual abuse and violence.

In this episode of Couch Potatoes, hosts Sydney Hsu and Sara Winick talk about shows that are created to elicit an emotion response from viewers. Listen along as they discuss past and current trends within media, and how they have affected audiences.


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