The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Welcome back Eagles! From club interest meetings to new classes, we just passed that special time of year for breaking ice where you were expected to give the same soulless personal elevator pitch every time you entered a room. Because no one in this school seems to know the names God has given grade levels, we’ve compiled our official list of the worst ways to say what school year you are in.
- I’m a second year.
Hey! So terrible news you seem to have hit your head and confused these United States of America with the U.K. Let’s try that again.
2. I’m a junior by credits.
And you’re a virgin by personality.
3. I’m a PPL scholar.
Instead of going to normal college for four years you chose to be in a cult for three years. What a way to out-wonk your peers.
4. Well, I’m actually graduating in December, so it’s a little complicated.
Sorry, I don’t speak poor.
5. I just got back from “Barthalona,” so I no longer see the world in something as American as ‘years.’
¡¿En therio?! ¡Llévame allí ahora, señor!
6. I’m in the five-year master’s program.
See, now I don’t trust you because you looked at this school three years in and said, “yeah, I should go back for seconds.”
7. I’m a community-based research scholar who's in the freshman cohort.
I'm not reading that essay. Call me in a month when that floorcest couple breaks up and you start hating everyone on your floor.
Here at The Seagle, we believe in abolishing ice breakers as a whole. Doth the world freeze over, and with it, the icy tomb of your 31 AP credits.
Correction: A previous version of this article included the number one twice in a numbered list. The article has been updated to correct this.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, India Siecke, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing by Luna Jinks, Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.