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Thursday, April 18, 2024
The Eagle
Satire Seagle

Satire: Incoming Tenleytown supermarket offers students new chance to sell labor power to capitalist class

Students to have more capitalist exploiters to choose from

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Megmans is planning to open its first grocery store in D.C. this summer and is looking to purchase the labor power of more than 300 human beings on a part-time basis. 

Located between the Tenleytown and McLean Gardens neighborhoods, the new supermarket will give Ward 3 residents a place to spend money on groceries in the event that the other five supermarkets in Tenleytown simultaneously go out of business. 

In a statement from the incoming Wisconsin avenue store, Megmans spokesperson Nancy Mitchell said the grocery chain would accept applications from any proletarians willing to sell their lives piecemeal to the capitalist class.

“At Megmans, we’re nice capitalists,” Mitchell said. “We exploit the heck out of your labor power like any other business, but we do it with a smile.” 

Routinely recognized as one of the best companies to work for, Megmans’ sophisticated public relations team has created a veneer of niceness to obscure the class exploitation endemic to the capitalist mode of production. 

“A job at Megmans isn’t like working for another supermarket,” Mitchell said. “When we extract the surplus value our wage laborers produce, we do it in a wholesome, deluxe, family-friendly way.” 

With American University tuition, room and board scheduled to increase in the years to come, students jumped at the opportunity to choose their exploiter from a wider variety of capitalists.

“Being from the Northeast, I’ve been to Megmans, so there’s some comfort knowing who will be profiting from my work,” sophomore Elliot Harrison said. “It’s not like I have family money, so I’m pretty psyched to start selling my productive capacity hourly in between statistics class and Model UN practice. In fact, it’ll be good to get used to my position in the economy for the next 45 to 65 years, depending on the solvency of Social Security in 2067.”

Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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