The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
According to a leaked newsletter American University plans to email Wednesday, an AU alum is currently doing something to boost AU’s reputation.
The student, whose name has not been released, reportedly graduated in the last five years and since then has engaged in work that the University thinks will attract paying students, prestigious faculty and capital donations.
“We’re thrilled to see what one of our own has done since leaving AU,” University spokesperson Jim Childs said. “Who that graduate exactly is, I don’t know — the marketing people haven’t clued me in yet.”
When pressed on who the illustrious alum is, AU higher-ups told The Seagle that such information would be provided on a need-to-know basis.
“We haven’t picked out which alum to feature yet,” a senior communications official told The Seagle anonymously. “But rest assured, whoever it is will go through a thorough vetting process. We’re not going to pick anyone that’s run a company into the ground, embezzled thousands from a nonprofit, or committed a slew of ethics violations.”
According to sources familiar with the plan, the decision to highlight an alum comes on the heels of the University’s desire to solicit donors for AU’s capital campaign.
“Running a school isn’t cheap,” said Bertha Osborne, the University’s vice president of finance. “As much cash as you kids cough up each semester, it isn’t enough to pay adjunct faculty the subsistence wages we give them.”
At press time, AU communications staff reportedly ran out of alum who fit the criteria of having concrete accomplishments and not being mired by an ethics probe.
Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.
