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Sunday, June 16, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: Student researcher discovers sizable portion of classmates are future war criminals

Next most popular careers include robber barons and corporate lobbyists

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

A student researcher at American University discovered Thursday that a high percentage of his peers will grow up to be war criminals.

Junior Bernard Bennett and his research team made this finding after surveying the career paths of AU graduates and analyzing current students’ conversations on campus. 

“We completed a methodologically rigorous large study of AU alumni, and found that a legit two-thirds of our classmates are going to end up in this demographic,” Bennett said. 

According to Bennett, the next most popular careers include robber barons and corporate lobbyists.

“When you hear enough students express unmitigated support for drone warfare and extrajudicial killings, you can’t help but think that random guy you see drinking coffee at the Dav is going to end up in front of the Hague,” said sophomore Natalia Cruz, another member of the research team. 

The student researchers also spent time sampling students’ conversations in public places on campus. 

“Our content analysis shows most students don’t give a crap about other human beings,” said Bennett. “When you hear students romanticizing corporate acquisitions over breakfast at TDR and see them longing to sell their souls to the highest bidder on K Street during a casual picnic on the quad, you know something’s up.” 

The student research team indicated that its next study will investigate the past occupations held by University officials. 

“It will be interesting to compare AU administrators’ past jobs with what we found students are going to be,” Bennett said. “We have a hypothesis, but you can guess what it is.” 

Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.

In this grand finale, hosts Sydney Hsu and Sara Winick say their goodbyes and give updated lists of their current favorite shows. Listen along and compare the new lists to those from the very first episode! 

To all the loyal listeners, it has been a great run, but all good things must come to an end. However, just like some of your favorite TV shows, a second season is never truly out of the question.

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