The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
A single-use cloth face mask on the sidewalk outside Hughes Hall has seen better days, according to students familiar with the situation.
“I’ve seen the same mask on the ground there twice,” said sophomore Skye Hollings. “It’s really a nuisance to have to walk around it. It seems like someone should throw that sucker in the garbage.”
Other students agreed. “Forgotten masks on the ground are probably the best representation of how people have been treating this pandemic from the beginning,” freshman June Jefferson said.
The mask itself expressed even greater dismay than students.
“When I was back on the shelf at Target, in a plastic case with four friends, that was a lot more fun,” the cloth face covering said. “Now, I’m stuck here and some students have the nerve to step right on me!”
The mask said it was struggling to adapt to life on the sidewalk after such a swift departure from its past life.
“My human was carelessly dangling me from his hand when his pinky slipped and I fell to the ground,” the mask said. “But the worst part is he just kept walking. He never even looked back!”
Contemplating its future, the mask imagined getting deposited into a trash receptacle, taken by a bird to build a nest or being devoured by a rogue squirrel.
“The worst part is my human didn’t even use me!” the mask said. “I never got to fulfill my single, solitary purpose on this planet.”
Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.
