The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University students have a reputation for being — how shall I put it — intense. From an extreme focus on internships to obsession with the University-branded feline, students seem to have a penchant for standing out. Here are some of the summer activities that most embody that AU school spirit.
1. Polishing resume for third time this year
No one wants to be caught off guard when their favorite member of Congress comes looking for a new entry-level staffer.
2. Selling an organ to pay for tuition
Who needs two kidneys anyway?
They are college students after all.
4. Making up for lost pleasure reading during the school year
Who says college students can’t binge read the entire “Hunger Games” series on a gorgeous summer day?
5. Reorganizing a local anarchist group
For some reason, they just don’t have a strong top-down workflow. Nothing that skills from a School of Public Affairs leadership class can’t fix!
6. Brainstorming possible congressional redistricting maps for 2022
Because, why not?
7. Reading classic conservative books to inform devil’s advocacy
Where do you think all of those devil’s advocates come from? It’s not like anyone has time to read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” during the school year.
8. Interning for local politician
Nothing says commitment to politics like making copies and sending emails.
9. Applying for fall semester internship
It seems like that time of year judging from everyone’s LinkedIn updates.
10. Planning for spring semester internship
As a WONK, it’s never too early to start planning.
11. Planning for next summer’s internship
12. Calling politically disinterested voters in a different state to convince them to vote for an anticapitalist candidate who has a narrow chance of winning — even though a vast majority of voters would materially benefit from their policies — because it’s the morally right thing to do
It’s AU. Need I say more?
At press time, the author was informed that devoting summer hours to writing a fake article poking fun at what other students are supposedly doing should be added to the list of things most characteristic of AU students.
Owen Boice is a rising senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle.