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Saturday, April 20, 2024
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Satire: Hilltern finally stops talking about internship

AU sophomore stopped talking about his Capitol Hill internship on Thursday

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

It’s official: on Thursday at 6:52 p.m., AU sophomore Roger Willis finally stopped talking about his internship on Capitol Hill. 

This development comes approximately one month after Willis’s first day on the job. 

Willis was eating dinner with friends at TDR when it happened. “Roger had just paused to eat a forkful of grilled chicken, and after he finished chewing, he didn’t immediately start talking about filing papers!” said Sean Garcia, a friend of Willis.

“I did a double take,” said Susannah Cooke, another friend at the scene. “When he didn’t start chattering about federal tax policy, I had to check and make sure he wasn’t choking!” 

Since his first day interning with Pennsylvania Congresswoman Nicole Croll in early September, Willis has been a constant source of information on a whole host of policy issues. 

“I never thought I would know as much as I do now about the earned income tax credit, but I do now thanks to Roger,” said Pat Sharples, Willis’s seat partner in Topics in Medieval Literature. 

“After about a month, students usually stop being completely infatuated with their internship,” said Jean Cunningham, the internship coordinator in the School of Public Affairs. “They realize that one person really can’t make a difference, and they stop worshipping their member of Congress.”  

At first, many of Willis’s friends welcomed this new development. 

“In the beginning, I was psyched,” said sophomore Anwar Masih. “I thought it would be nice not to hear a list of constituent complaints from Pennsylvania’s 17th Congressional District every day.”

This feeling quickly evaporated. “I realized it had been nice to have some background noise during dinner to drown out the horrible music in TDR,” added Masih. “I think I’m actually going to miss Roger’s monologuing.”   

While Willis’s friends may have disagreed on the specifics, they all agreed on one thing. 

“It’ll be nice to be able to talk about my day for a change,” said Willis’s significant other Alex Reeves. “I can’t wait to be an equal part of everyday conversations.”      

Owen Boice is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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