The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
American University administrators promised students that they can still grow up to be wonks, even though the University is retiring the “WONK” marketing campaign that they have held for ten years.
“It was such a relief,” sophomore Anna Hogan said. “The only reason I came to AU is because all the promotional materials said ‘WONK,’ so I’m glad I can still be one!”
The University announced it is replacing the “WONK” brand campaign with “Challenge Accepted” after focus groups revealed prospective students are more likely to apply to any school that repeats the word “accepted” a lot.
Students have expressed a variety of views on the change. “People are sick of the whole ‘WONK’ thing,” junior Lila Maxwell said. “I’m glad they’re going with something new that the next generation of students can make fun of.”
“I didn’t mind the ‘WONK’ theme,” sophomore Willis Simpson said. “I like that it made us seem smarter — whenever someone wanted to know what it stands for, we could just slyly say, I know what it means!”
Going forward, the University will not be selling any more “WONK” paraphernalia.
“Our goal is to scoop up your EagleBucks on new ‘challenge accepted’ merch,” marketing director Tish Summers said. “Students can still wear old ‘WONK’ clothes if they want, but we don’t recommend it. Like seriously, who’s going to hire you if you show up wearing a shirt emblazoned with something most of the country hates?”
A University spokesperson said that Wonk Cat will be fleeing campus on the Wonk Bus before anyone can rebrand her for financial gain.
Owen Boice is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.