Satire: Construction scheduled for most inconvenient locations on campus
Students struggle to adapt to disruptive construction projects
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
When returning to AU this fall, students found an unfortunate installation still on campus: construction. This past spring, after months of planning, University officials gave the green light for a set of disruptive construction projects on campus.
“We wanted to make sure students felt welcome,” said Helga Flowers, the director of the construction project. “We know that students sometimes feel like the University isn’t doing enough for them, so we pulled out all the stops! What says ‘welcome back’ more than industrial wire fencing, warning signs and a cadre of construction workers?”
Not all students were so enthused. “It’s kind of hard to get across the quad with nothing short of an archeological dig going on,” said sophomore Alicia Fleming.
Others agreed. “I knew something was different about the campus,” said freshman Tashan Stevens, who has not been on campus since Eagle Summit. “I don’t exactly remember seeing exposed pipes and bulldozers on the campus tour.”
Flowers assured students that the project is moving as fast as possible.
“We’re planning on finishing construction by the spring semester, so if it’s done by fall of 2020, we’ll count it as a win,” said Flowers. “Of course, we’ll spruce up the quad for All-American Weekend. In fact, whenever parents, alumni or donors are on campus, we’ll temporarily shut down construction and put up giant ‘carbon neutral’ signs in its place.”
University officials have stated that the construction is part of the university’s quest to be more environmentally conscious. “It’s imperative that we show students that we care about the environment,” said Nico Portillo, who is leading AU’s environmental sustainability initiative. “As we methodically alter the campus terrain, we’re making every effort to remove any litter that we inadvertently mix in with the topsoil.”
Many students were not easily persuaded. “I understand the need to save the earth,” said senior Curtis Jones. “But can’t we just stop at planting a few measly trees once a year?”
The construction seems to be having the most noticeable impact on freshmen. Nearly six weeks into the semester, they can still be seen trying not to get lost on the main quad.
“I can’t even find my way around,” said freshman Kaden Sparks. “I don’t think this construction is reflected in Google Maps.”
Students also expressed concerns about the construction’s impact on arriving to class on time.
“Just the other day, I was almost late for my public policy class,” said junior Jessie Conrad. “I had a marketing class the previous block and had to get all the way from Kogod to Kerwin in 20 minutes. With the construction in the way, I almost didn’t make it!”
Owen Boice is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.