Satire: Former administrator spooked by trick-or-treaters dressed as old, female professors
“All they asked for was tenure!”
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The clock approached midnight when AU’s former provost heard the ring of his doorbell from afar. He thought he’d been in the clear, but he was wrong.
The former provost, who preferred to remain anonymous, thought there’d be no harm in one more batch of trick-or-treaters that night. After all, Halloween only comes once a year. So, he answered the door.
“They were just so… old,” he said, his hands trembling in recollection. “And female!”
To his surprise, about four or five people dressed head-to-toe as older, female, career-driven professors stood on his doorstep. The scariest part, he told The Seagle, was that they didn’t want candy at all.
“I put out so many Babe Ruth bars,” he said, “but all they asked for was tenure!”
When the former provost refused their request, he shut the door and closed the curtains. The tricksters promptly exited the premises.
“The nerve of some people,” he said. “After all I’ve done for them?”
The Seagle investigated similar reports from a former university president, but no costumed-culprit could be identified.
Chris Whitbeck is a senior in the School of Communication and The Eagle’s assistant editor for opinion.