TODAY'S TRENDING TOPICS: Pro-tips, or (protips), tampons and other toilet troubles.
TODAY'S TOP RANT: To the inconsiderate asshole who keeps covering the toilet with paper towels and then leaving them to clog the toilet: Okay you're a germaphobe, I get it. However, if you want your stall to be so clean please be considerate enough to take your dozen paper towels and throw them out when your done. I know I don't want to touch your ass sweaty paper towels and neither does anyone else. So clean it up. Thanks.
• Wtf eagle rants. I thought new rants came out every Monday and Thursday. I don't care if its MLK. I want my rants, damnit!
• Hey all your January joiners in the fitness center!! I totally support you getting into shape but please learn the rules for signing up for machines before you attempt to figure out how to use them. The people who have been exercising since we got here in August thank you (even though we secretly hope your New Year's resolution only lasts until February and we can enjoy not waiting 3 hours for an elliptical).
• Dear couple sitting at the next table in MGC who can't seem to sit more than two inches apart or go more than 30 seconds without kissing, What exactly are you trying to prove? Sincerely, A concerned citizen.
• Enough with the Uggs/Northface combination already! Biddies best be thinkin' for themselves.
• I watch girl-on-girl porn. And I'm female. Put that in your heteronormative pipe and smoke it.
• John Mayer masturbates more than I do? How did this happen?
• Pro-tip: the Leonard/McDowell bridge is not a great place to make out. For some reason, people who don't make out in public seem to think the bridge is for walking through.
• So, when is SDT going to realize that that's not a peace sign on their parking garage banner? Although, maybe they were actually going for "Mercedes Logo, Heart, SDT."
• To the girl in my Contemporary Latin America class who starts comments with things like: "Throughout my history through, like, the history books," that's enough. Put your hand down and work on your Farmville.
• Dear Jealous you're not interning on the hill: I must say as a fellow intern to whoever that girl is, I love being on the Hill so if you're mad she talks about it all the time... GET OVER IT or get an internship on the Hill so you too can be that guy! (or girl but I was going for cliché)
• To the person who said its okay to flush tampons...I guess you're new to AU because the famous Letts flood, that caused sewage to go into many dorm rooms was caused by too many ladies flushing tampons. Please thrown them away and not flush.
• The AU Shuttle ... you suck in the morning, you suck when I go home ... can't you get the idea its not okay to send two buses at once, so then no bus comes for over an hour?? When it was run by Public Safety it was better, now that facilities has it, it sucks.
• ALSO idiots: you WRAP UP the tampons so no one has to see them. Not Aramark, and not everyone else who uses the stall after you. THAT SOLVES THE PROBLEM DUH.
• Protip: AU don't schedule a fire drill when it is freezing rain outside. It goes a long way for morale when it is not below freezing and people are not being pelted in the face with frozen shards of water for 30 minutes.
• I'd like to take a moment to rant about the women's bathrooms on the first floor of MGC (and potentially men's if they have a similar setup). If someone is at a sink, you can't get past them to reach the stalls! And once you're in the stall, you can't flush the toilet without lowering the toilet's lid. Honestly, since when do public restrooms have toilets with LIDS? What purpose does it serve, I ask you.
• Do not go to bed earlier than most elementary school children. Then, do not simply lie there annoyingly talking on the phone in the dark until extremely late. Don't you get it? It's a viscous cycle that is driving me absolutely crazy.
• What's this I hear about the guy who gives blow-jobs in the arboretum?
• Dear Anderson neighbors, Can you please refrain from videotaping your sex life at two in the morning. Your moaning keeps me awake. Thanks.
• I totally saw a guy giving blow jobs in arboretum.
• Dear Fraternity brothers from all houses, Five of my friends have been roofied and puked the past two weekends. No, it wasn't just alcohol poisoning because they only had one drink and then don't remember anything. Something is being slipped in drinks and something needs to be done about it. This isn't directed at any one fraternity, but all of you. You need to clean up your act, or else all of you are going to get a bad reputation because of a few miscreants.
• I've realized something about greek life recently. It's not that these people are paying lots of money to have friends, its that they're paying lots of money so they can complain about how awful this drama/pledge class/annoying person is. Also, non-greek people think you sound like an idiot when you talk about "brothers," "sisters" and "families".
• Greek life: You don't even have to cheer for the basketball team, but could you not go out of the way to distract them? No one cares about what you're yelling.
• I bet that guy who gives blowies in the arboretum was pretty confused Wednesday night when all those people showed up in the amphitheater for the fire alarm. Maybe his customer base has expanded as a result.
• If there's anything TV has taught me, it's "Fat husband, hot wife. So, um, what gives? When do I get a fine lady to have shenanigans and learn morals with?
• It's 1:00 a.m. on a Wednesday. Shut the hell up, all of you in the hallway
• I love TKE.
• If you're going to be so immature about what happened at the end of last semester that you won't return my texts or re-accept me as a friend on Facebook, well then screw you, you dumbasses.
• You are the most attractive boy I've ever seen. You're here on campus, in the freshman class with me too, but I doubt I'll ever see you again. Here's hoping I do.
• To the cute boy in Subway last week, we meet again! We should listen to the Decemberists together sometime.
