The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
President Donald Trump announced today in a Kick livestream that the U.S. has successfully completed a covert operation to assassinate terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden. This comes as a surprise to many — mainly due to the fact that Bin Laden has famously been dead since 2011.
In a rare appreciative gesture to former President Barack Obama, Trump said that the 2011 mission was a “great moment of unity and success, although I could’ve done it in 2010, and everyone, including Crooked Hillary, knows it.”
In his speech alongside special military consultant Adin Ross, Trump explained that the Iran war gave him the ideal opportunity to strike, because “Iran is in the Middle East, and that’s where Bin Laden was from before we killed him. Not a lot of people know that. The generals, big strong men, came up to me and said ‘sir, we can't find him,’ and I said go to the Middle East, and there he was. We love the generals, don’t we, folks? But the Radical Left wants to take them away from you and replace them with ‘genderneutral-als.’ Wow.”
Trump told reporters that while he was doing his weekly rewatch of “Home Alone 2,” he was struck by both a mild stroke and inspiration. By combining the three pillars of the beloved movie — sequels, New York City history, and himself — he devised his plan to recoup some of the popularity he Lost in New York.
An anonymous source tells us that Trump initially hoped for numbers reminiscent of George W. Bush’s approval ratings directly after 9/11, but felt that orchestrating another collapse in his hometown would be redundant after his appearance derailed the Knicks in Game 3 of the NBA Finals.
While guest-judging an episode of Masterchef Junior, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified that the military only told the President that the operation to kill Bin Laden was completed, as it was physically impossible to re-assassinate him. He went on to explain that the Armed Forces prefer to let the President believe that the mission is repeatable, and that it helps develop his “active imagination” as he approaches adulthood. Some presidential experts, however, contend that this behavior only stifles the development of young presidents, and that defense secretaries have to be honest with their little ones.
Trump has already announced on Truth Social that the U.S. will be killing Bin Laden “more often” in the future, and even exploring making a holiday out of it. Ostensibly remembering the famous scene in which Mets and Phillies fans came together and celebrated over the news in 2011, he also remarked that “As part of America’s New Golden Age, we will re-unite the great cities of New York and Philadelphia. And even though the Naughty Nobel Prize council hates our great country, they will give me my second well-deserved Peace Prize. Combined with my FIFA Peace Prize from the late, great Giannis Inbambino, I’ll erase Crazy Obama from the history books. I hear he’s already out of the Florida ones! AMERICA FIRST - DJT”
Reporting has shown that the Iran war has been disastrous for Trump’s approval rating despite conservative experts praising the President’s masterful gambit of starting an unnecessary war in exchange for higher gas prices.
Trump did not immediately respond to a request for comment from The Seagle, but JD Vance did pick up the phone. We hung up because we got scared, though. He sounded really angry for some reason.
Domenic DiPietro is a junior in the college of Comebacks and Tip-ins, and a satire editor at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Harry Walton and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing by Avery Grossman and Arin Burrell.
satire@theeagleonline.com
