The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is fictional.
In a shocking turn of events, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has recognized Allah as the one true God, declared himself Sultan and called for war with Qajar Persia. While the Department of War denies Hegseth is acting abnormal in any way, external medical experts speculate he is suffering from Early Onset Ottoman Syndrome.
Shayna Gaven, a psychiatrist at the George Washington University School of Medicine and Life Science who specializes in male psychiatry, spoke with The Seagle about the rare disease:
“EOOS is a neurodegenerative syndrome where the patient loses touch with reality and experiences recurring maladaptive daydreams about being a 19th-century Ottoman Sultan,” Gaven said “Symptoms include delusions of grandeur, obsessive thinking about access to warm water ports and a distaste for Armenian cuisine. Treatment typically consists of electroconvulsive therapy and books about the benefits of nation-state building.”
At a press conference earlier today, Hegseth, who has requested to be called the honorific Suleyman, said this:
“As the rightful Caliph, I have sent a fleet of drones to destroy the failed empire of Persia,” Hegseth said. “For too long Shi’ite heretics have been allowed to develop nuclear weapons at the expense of hard-working American Sunnis.”
Honorific Suleyman Hegseth went on to imply the Greeks were mere days away from developing a nuclear weapon and that U.S. intervention was crucial.
When asked at a press conference about the Secretary’s recent erratic behavior, dishonorably discharged Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said the following:
“Look, we didn’t kill those lib protesters,” Leavitt replied. “And if we did, they definitely deserved it by being fat or gay or something.”
Upon clarifying that we were asking about Pete Hegseth and not the Department of Homeland Security officers’ recent murders of U.S. citizens, Leavitt blew a raspberry into the mic and left.
Others have been more forthcoming about the Secretary’s sudden eastern shifts in behavior. Despite Hegseth’s somewhat rocky relationship with senate Republicans, party members have been enthusiastic about the change. Senator John Kennedy, who we offered anonymity but insisted on being named, said about the situation:
“I’ve been trying to drum up a war in Iran or Persia or wherever-i-stan for years,” Kennedy said.“If it takes Petey thinking he’s some Arab to do it, I’m all in. Big Daddy wants his drones, he wants his oil, he wants his jets, and he wants them now!”
Surprisingly, another sector of Washington, D.C., has voiced their tepid support for the Secretary’s transformation. Kaveh Partovi, a history professor at Georgetown University, had this to say:
“As a member of the global community, I’m disgusted by Suleyman's rhetoric and horrified by the damage another pointless war in the Middle East would cause,” Partovi said. “But as a textile historian who specializes in the late Ottoman period, I’d love to pick his brain about the importance of jewel tones to the visual rhetoric of the emerging upper-middle class.”
Political experts expect the Secretary’s comments and wider U.S. intervention in the Middle East to either completely rearrange the world order as we know it or probably not matter a whole lot in the long run.
India Siecke is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences and a satire columnist at the Eagle.
It was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Aidan Dowell and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing done by Avery Grossman and Nicole Kariuki.
