On Sunday, the new mascot for the Washington Nationals was presented, or should I say hatched. He broke out of his egg at the first afternoon game in Nationals history, much to the delight of everyone in the park.
Recently I was able to get an exclusive interview with the new mascot in which he answered all the burning questions people want answered. Here's the transcript:
Jordan: Screech, thanks a lot for being here. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, so it's nice of you to sit down and talk to us. Now how did you make it to the big leagues?
Screech: Well Jordan, like many people in the baseball world, I moved up through the minor leagues. I was originally drafted in the second round of the mascot draft by San Diego, which was hoping I would be able to replace the beloved San Diego Chicken. Yet soon after I was traded to the Montreal Expos at the end of last season for two less memorable minor league mascots, Luke the Leopard with Leprosy, and Chet the Cannibal. I got the call-up at the beginning of this year, thanks to Youppi! being left in Montreal.
J: I see. Now do you have any gimmicks or trademarks?
S: Well at one point I was able to fly, but during the 2003 offseason I had to get Tommy John surgery, which has really hampered my flying ability. So I've had to become a little resourceful. But the fans seem to appreciate my gracefulness and the whole "being the symbol of our nation" thing.
J: Well that's good. Now as we all know, steroids have become a big issue in the majors. Are mascots having the same problem?
S: Now I'm not here to talk about the past. Sure people say things, asking how is it possible for this guy to throw a T-shirt at a guy so hard it breaks his arm, or how, say, Little Ray the Housecat became Big Ray the Lion during one offseason. But it's all speculation. I mean, I got called in by Congress to testify, but I just told them I'm not here to talk about the past or incriminate my fellow mascots.
J: Wow, I didn't know that. Now there are some numbers that all baseball fans know. Fifty-six for straight hits, .406 for average, at one point 61 for home runs. Are there any number like that for mascots?
S: Seventy-nine. The Philly Phanatic once danced on the top of the Philadelphia dugout to "Baby Elephant Walk" for 79 straight innings. It was unbelievable. He's a first-ballot Hall of Famer, no question.
J: That is pretty amazing. Another problem that athletes seem to have is trying not to be promiscuous; there are a lot of temptations out there on the road, away from your wife and kids. Have you had any problems with that?
S: No, none whatsoever. I love my wife and I have two beautiful chicks back in the nest, so I'm very content. However, I cannot speak for everyone in my profession. I mean, you should SEE the women lining up outside Mr. Met's hotel room when he's on the road, or how many little Youppi!'s there are around. The worst, though, is Milwaukee's mascot, Bernie Brewer. I don't know if it's his personality or what, but he's always got a lady on his arm. It could be his charm, or the amount of free alcohol he gets.
J: Well, I want to thank you a lot for sitting down with us today, but I have one last question. It may seem far off, but how do you want to be remembered?
S: Well I want to be remembered as someone who made a fool out of himself and constantly had people laughing at him.
J: You're really living the dream. Thanks a lot.
S: Thank you.
