My fellow students, I have a confession to make. After a long and ardous journey, I have seen the light and have abandoned the na?vet? of conservatism and have embraced the virtuous cause of liberalism. After a brief adolescent dance on the Right, I have matured in my views, accepted the role of nuance in political affairs, and pledge myself to now work against every policy of our selected, un-elected president, George W. bin-Al Saud.
I must say, I do have a heavy heart. To think that I have written so many columns extolling the virtues of a man who can't even spell virtues, much less live up to them on the world stage. I know the President says we should "love our neighbor," but to quote our great chairman Howard Dean, "George Bush isn't my neighbor."
We missed a great opportunity to have a man like John Kerry in the White House. His hair was better and like John Edwards said, Christopher Reeve would have been walking now if he had been president. My past mistakes will only motivate me now to work even more for noble liberal causes.
Though I once supported drilling in ANWR, I now see the nuance of the issue, and have changed my mind, and am now in full support of caribou rights to their land. Screw GM! And my previous support for the NRA? Forget that, I'm now 100 percent behind the ERA!
My journey from being blinded by the Right to becoming enlightened has not always been easy. But now that I'm a democrat, I've never felt more black in my life! And who could have known that untucking your shirt could be so liberating? If it feels good, don't only do it, but do it up big! It's little things like these that make life better for me everyday after my season of captivity.
Lastly, I want to share an observation with all of you. Since joining up with the good guys, I've noticed how much better looking us Dems are. Those fascists on the right just can't compete. After all, who ever heard of a hot piece of elephant?
