Staring blankly into the thinning hair of his classmate, Tyler Waldin was outraged by his class’ “boring” discussion, despite refusing to speak once throughout the entirety of the course.
“Can’t the five people who always raise their hand just say something original?! They all have the same opinions, and they ran out of new ones to share three classes ago,” Waldin stated, adding, “Obviously I couldn’t be bothered to speak, but it’s a class of 30 students! Someone new’s gotta peep up, ‘cus when the five run out of steam, the class has more sudden awkward pauses than your stroke survivor grandfather sharing a story. Just blank gaps breaking up a vaguely concerning tale that he thinks is about wooing your grandmother, but to you sounds like a crime that’s too outdated to be able to commit anymore.”
Security video stolen from the American University Police Department’s surveillance shed confirmed Waldin’s account of class, and when asked to comment on their refusal to participate, the other 24 silent students shared Waldin’s apparent frustration.
Kylie Maren, a self-described “good hang” and locally described “band douche,” explained herself, stating, “I just feel so pressured by my parents to engage in the education my parents are paying too much for. Society’s very into peer-pressure that way, and I won’t conform to any expectations of not pissing away money while make-believing I’m a musician.”
Bryan Aisle, known by his pledge name “Virgin-Pubes,” said he personally didn’t talk because “As a straight white man, I feel my opinions in class aren’t respected. Also, I don’t do the readings and show up hungover.”
Tandee Code, 2024 record holder for most apologies made within a single afternoon, stated it was wrong to ask her to participate in class because she had “qualms over vocalizing socially.” Furthermore, Code maintained she should be applauded for just having the courage to come to class despite her “burdenful presence.”
The course’s professor, Dr. Harvey Cox Gibbins — winner of a Nobel prize in literature for his sternly worded email to a sadistic Chechen warlord informing him to “cut the crap” — expressed no sympathy for his students’ feelings of tedium.
Found in his office secretly pushing a thumbtack into his palm, Gibbins stated, “They’re upset the class is boring?! I banned devices in class because they’d just gaze silently into them, now they gaze silently into nothingness! Just a glazed look of longing and vague arousal as they imagine the moment they can plug back in!”
The professor produced a metal flask from his jacket and pulled a swig. “You ever ask a question that simply asks for an opinion, and be met by 30 mute, moronic faces? The answer is your opinion, there’s nothing to know or not know, just speak a thought about any thinkable thing!”
Later, in a self-claimed effort to nullify his tenure, Gibbins would be found passed out in a bathroom stall midway through using the class syllabus to clean himself.
Of the five students who’ve ever spoken in Gibbins’ class, only two were found bearable enough to actually interview. Reportedly “ecstatic” someone new was talking to them, students Annie Smicks and Pav Bunson shared their thoughts on class with reporters.
Smicks, voted by her high school class as “most likely to be discovered on Broadway sobbing in front of a theater,” claimed, “I actually deeply appreciate every opportunity to talk in class. It’s a great chance for me to practice projecting my voice for my role as “Mob Member #7” in a stage production of ‘To Kill A Mockingbird.’ I was number four, but my ad-libbing knocked me down a few pegs.”
Bunson, opposingly, revealed he only talks in class to derail possible conversations by unnecessarily inserting Hitler into hypotheticals. Stating “nothing kills a class discussion like dropping the hard H-word. Could be talking politics, philosophy or kitchen sciences. Sure I get side-eyed but it kills class time, plus that Arschlöcher was too much of a drug-addicted mama’s boy for us to treat him like Voldemort.”
Later, in a different class discussing the Trolley Problem, Pav proved his theory proposing the placement of one adult Hitler on the right track and five baby Hitlers on the left.
In a desperate plea to add some form of stimulation to the class, Waldin had reportedly beforehand resigned himself to downing a grand slam breakfast and a stool hardener. With a “babbling brook gestating inside [him]” and “internal pressures comparable to the OceanGate submersible,” Waldin claimed he never felt so engaged with his education, or his sphincter.
Alec Cianci is a junior in the School of International Service and a columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Harry Walton and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing by Avery Grossman, Mattie Lupo, Jaden Maitland Anderson and Nicole Kariuki.
