The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Katie Zacharia is looking for a new job.
Now-former press secretary Katie Zacharia held a press event on Saturday summarizing her “very lengthy” employment and next steps, including possibly commandeering her previous fellow staffer RFK Jr.’s position.
After being fired as the Trump administration’s replacement for former White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, Katie Zacharia broke records by lasting five days. She is “very proud” she lasted a business week, since this was her first time speaking in front of an audience. One White House staffer reported that office bets predicted her to last longer than milk spoils; the jury is still out on which side wins.
On Saturday, after news of her firing was delivered to the public, Zacharia hosted a press conference outside of Pepperdine University, her law school alma mater. Several network representatives were confused at first, many calling her “Karoline Leavitt” and “Natalie Harp.” To clear confusion, Zacharia put on a name tag for the duration of the event.
Now sure of her identity, reporters quickly inquired as to whether she had, in fact, passed the bar. The answer to the majority of these questions was simply a point back at the school behind her with a raised eyebrow. Still, in one response, she blankly said, “It’s a conspiracy.” In another, “My favorite TV show is Suits,” she said, “very inspirational.”
She did eventually provide a small insight into further handling of the situation, saying “My claiming to be an attorney can’t be illegal when President Trump has plenary authority, I think. Let me get back to you on that.”
Seemingly agitated that the crowd consisted mainly of third graders looking for public speaking advice, she then gave her big announcement. “My husband — excuse me, I mean coworker — RFK is [glances at notes] the health secretary,” she said. “And after a very lengthy term as press secretary, I’m looking for a new job. I’m very clearly overqualified for that position and I have my MD, so I think I’ll try that instead.”
After one CNN reporter asked where she completed her residency, she answered “China,” complimented by a smile that almost looked like it hurt. A FOX News representative followed up asking where she got the idea to follow this career path instead.
“My favorite TV show is Grey’s Anatomy,” she said, “very inspirational.” After this question, Zacharia abruptly ended the conference — possibly due to her notes flying away due to the wind.
Zacharia did, however, have a very active night online after this appearance. She has already updated her LinkedIn skills to include “Medicine” and reposted a total of 14 tweets on X. Many were about having a MD and working in the medical industry. One post by user @noctor_pickle2 said, “I don’t believe MDs are even necessary anymore, we all have bodies so it’s common knowledge imo.”
President Trump said in a Truth Social post later that night, “She’s a doctor in EVERY SENSE of the word but the one the WOKE LEFT wants. We 100 percent vetted her this time so the LEFTIST MEDIA can’t twist it.” The Seagle reached out to RFK Jr.’s team, but they declined to respond with a formal comment, with other sources reporting they are currently busy seeing how fast they can put a 72 year old man through medical school.
Kaitlyn Caldwell is a freshman in the School of Unemployment, and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Jack Leary and Harry Walton. Copy editing by Avery Grossman, Mattie Lupo and Nicole Kariuki.
