The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Earlier today, high-ranking members of the United States Federal Reserve issued a statement warning Americans that our current economic turmoil could soon worsen. In the wake of skyrocketing gas, grocery and fancy sandwich prices, the United States could apparently see the amount described in the phrase “walking-around money” (WAM) cross the $50 mark for the first time in history.
This development is only one of many recent blows to the power of physical cash, which is being largely outpaced by electronic payment among younger Americans. Many people choosing to pay with cards or phones say that they were “put off” by pictures of old men lingering in their pockets and don’t care for the fancy wallets coveted by day traders.
This news also comes to the dismay of the nation’s grandmothers, who are by far the leading distributor of WAM. In an open letter published shortly after the initial statement, the National Retiree Association (or NRA) compiled thousands of signatures from angry grandmothers expressing fear that local economies would be decimated without the spending power of ice-cream-hungry grandchildren.
Perhaps even more impacted by this news are the sugar daddies of America, a crucial voting bloc in 2028 elections. The average daddy typically pays out multiple times the national rate to facilitate their partner’s lavish lifestyles. With this announcement, many of these relationships will inevitably end, potentially swinging the demographic back to Democrats in the next election over affordability concerns.
Democratic leadership immediately leapt into action upon hearing the news. House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said that his party was starting the process to formally denounce the concept of high prices and claimed they were “this” close to getting mad. Affordability is already in the national spotlight, as it consistently ranks as the 3rd most important issue among likely voters, behind the Dallas Cowboys’ success and whether or not a candidate’s laugh sounds weird.
WAM occupies the sweet spot in cash gifts between children’s allowances and petty bribery. Dagmawi Lombardi, a professor at Corneria University concerned about the meteoric spike of prices, told us that “this wave of inflation is dashing the hopes of average bistro-visiting Americans who are left hungry. Boxes are not the natural state for lunch, and working people deserve the right to eat fresh mango puree. Carrying two Andrew Jacksons in your wallet is already excessive — add in a Hamilton or a pair of Lincolns and all bets are off. It’ll become a battlefield in there.”
Adam Smith, the Scottish economist known as the “father of capitalism,” could not be reached for comment.
Domenic DiPietro is a junior in the School of Public F-Airs, and a satire editor at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Harry Walton and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing by Avery Grossman, Mattie Lupo, Nicole Kariuki and Jaden Maitland Anderson.
satire@theeagleonline.com
