The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Hello, my name is Freddy Finklehorn and I am writing to The Seagle today out of concern for my fellow Eagles, KUH-CAW! After sundown, I have seen multiple groups of students gather around what I can only imagine are giant skunks — spraying their smelliness into the air!
One night, I was walking home from my seventh internship this semester and happened upon a group of students in a circle behind the East Quad Building. I was then hit by a waft of foul odor that could be nothing but a skunk. The students were laughing and coughing as the mist from the smelly beast clouded around them. I just couldn’t understand why they would subject themselves to such a horrid experience?
I mean, they kept on coughing and coughing, it even looked like some of the spray had gotten into their eyes as they were so red. I ran over to help my fellow wonks, but when I infiltrated the epicenter of the smelly sesh, there was no skunk. They all just kept yelling at me that I was “ruining their vibe.” I don’t even know what a vibe is.
They then revealed to me that they were stoners. It seems they gather to throw rocks at skunks until they apparently explode, which makes sense given the smell. This was not my only encounter with such “stoners.” I am concerned that American University is not doing enough about this infestation to the point where we students have to take it into our own hands.
I now walk around with stones in my pockets so that I may join in whenever I see a group of stoners to help with this issue. My letter today is aimed at ensuring no other students feel the need to stone again.
Later that week, I ran into a small group of students returning from outside while I was in the lounge. It was a Friday night and I was doing what all students do — looking at my classmates’ LinkedIn profiles. I could smell the skunk they had just stoned, so I inquired how it went. They explained to me that there was no skunk, only the “devil’s lettuce.” I am now concerned about an invasive demonic plant species overtaking the campus, in addition to the obvious skunk infestation.
Tomorrow I will begin carrying both stones and Weed-Away™ in order to combat the stinky invasion of our campus. I will write back to The Seagle with an update soon.
Jared Bowes is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
This article was edited by India Siecke, Alexis Bernstein and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing by Isabelle Kravis and Charlie Mennuti.