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Sunday, May 26, 2024
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Satire: Building that time forgot discovered on campus

Sports Center Annex never before seen by student eyes

From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's April 2022 print edition. You can find the digital version here

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

Students discovered something on campus more shocking than American University leaders’ salaries: a building time forgot.

The Sports Center Annex, which had never been seen by student eyes, houses the AU Abroad office, faculty senate room and professors’ offices who drew the short straw.

“I’d never seen that color of teal before in real life,” said sophomore Jasmine Smith, one of three students to discover the building Friday. “When I saw the Sports Center Annex’s interior decoration, I immediately knew that no AU student had laid eyes on it since the ‘80s.”

The students who discovered the building said they stumbled on it when they tried to visit their American Studies professor’s office. Sophomore Colby Reeves explained he had trouble locating the building at first. 

“When Professor Martin said her office was in the Sports Center Annex, I didn’t even know what an annex was,” Reeves said. “It took me an hour to find the building on a campus map. At least now I know why students don’t go there: time passed it by years ago.” 

The building, which is directly behind Bender Arena, is too shabby to be named after the rich alums who had given millions of dollars to the University, according to AU officials familiar with the situation. 

“Imagine if the East Quad Building had a child with Gray Hall. That’s the best way to picture the Annex,” said junior Iris Underwood, one of the students who discovered the building, while describing the Sports Center Annex to a friend who had not visited it. “For how old the building is, I’m honestly surprised AU lets professors born in the last half-century work there. It totally throws off the retro vibe.”

According to University spokesperson Oliver Richards, departments running low on space in the main academic buildings have reassigned faculty to the Sports Center Annex on an as-needed basis. Common methods for determining which professors to reassign include drawing straws, voting on which colleague is unruliest and arm-wrestling matches.

“We’re so excited for our student scholars who have discovered this historic building on AU’s campus,” Richards said. “In fact, we’re already using this discovery to promote our capital campaign.”

At press time, some professors with offices in the Sports Center Annex expressed frustration that students are just finding out about their plight. One professor of writing studies, Eileen Larson, said she longs for the days her office was in Battelle-Tompkins. 

“Students are just now discovering the Annex exists?” Larson said. “I guess this explains why I haven’t had a single student come to my office hours since spring of ‘06 when I got moved over here.” 

Owen Boice is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the satire editor at The Eagle. 

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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