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Thursday, June 20, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: Handshake recruits under-qualified students for high-ranking positions

‘Do they even vet these people?’

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

As the semester ends, American University students have noticed an uptick in emails from professional recruitment platforms like Handshake, Indeed and Idealist. These pseudo-personalized emails advertise professional opportunities well above their experience and expertise for many students. One School of International Service student reports being offered a job as Lead Neurosurgeon at Sibley Memorial Hospital. 

“I was in my Urban Agriculture class when I decided to check my AU email,” said SIS freshman Aaron Leonard. “I saw an email from Indeed recommending I apply for the Neurosurgery department at Sibley. They seemed invested in me, so I decided to apply. The pay isn’t bad either. Away from the dairy farmers and onto minimally invasive spine surgery! How different can they be, really?” 

According to records obtained by The Seagle, Leonard actually received the job. He will perform his first operation next week. 

Other students were not quite as zealous with the “submit” button. Daisy Estrada, a sophomore environmental science major, hesitated when she was asked by Handshake to apply to be the press secretary for President Joe Biden. 

“Do they even vet these people?” she asked. 

Estrada’s roommate convinced her to take a chance and go out for it despite initial trepidation. To her surprise, she received an interview for the position. 

While scheduling conflicts with her a cappella group barred her from receiving the job, she said, “I was honored to get that far in the application process. I’m sad I didn’t make the final cut, but Joe knows how it is. He even wished me luck on my solo in ‘Bills, Bills, Bills’ and said he’s a huge fan of Pitches B’ Trippin.” A source close to the President confirms this to be true. 

Bella Ali, a triple CLEG-Neuroscience-SIS major graduating this spring, did not experience similar success with these online recruiting platforms. 

“I received a Handshake email about applying for a Hillternship with my Congresswoman from California. I thought I was a really good fit,” Ali said. “After three months, they still hadn’t gotten back to me, so I gave them a call. The person who answered my call just laughed into the phone for three minutes. When they finally spoke, they told me I am an underachiever who just ‘isn’t cut out for this line of work.’” 

Ali was frustrated with this response and even more so with the office’s decision to hire a middle schooler from suburban New Jersey.

“A middle schooler I can deal with,” she said. “But I draw the line at Jersey.” 

Ali is now considering law school. 

In response to the accomplishments of the former two students, the University asked both Leonard and Estrada to lead a seminar on post-grad employment. While Estrada declined, pointing out that the two are both underclassmen, Leonard enthusiastically accepted the offer. 

According to a report from the event, Ali was the only student to show up.

Nora Sullivan is a junior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle. 

As the semester comes to an end and one of the founding members leaves American University, Section 202 has decided to take a trip down memory lane. For our fans, old and new, who are wondering how Section 202 came to be, this episode is a must. Listen along as hosts Connor Sturniolo and Liah Argiropoulos reminisce about the beginning of Section 202 and how it got to where it is now.

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