Satire: AU requires COVID vaccines to bolster University’s liberal reputation
AU community breathes a sigh of relief
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Devoid of tote bags, politically-charged laptop stickers and a buffet of vegan options at the Terrace Dining Room, American University has struggled to maintain its position as the most liberal campus in the United States.
The title, awarded by Niche.com, is based entirely on the characteristics of the student population. When the coronavirus pandemic cleared the campus of its most valuable data source, the title suddenly hung in jeopardy.
“How can we maintain our status at the most liberal campus in America without any campus life at all?” asked Jonathan Bell, campus life representative. Students, staff and faculty alike held their breath awaiting an answer to the question plaguing the minds of all.
“Without a robust collection of tote bags floating around the quad,” said senior administrator Sarah Burman. “We feared that the University of Vermont might surpass us in rankings.”
The issue poses a particular threat to those living in conservative hometowns.
“To be completely honest, I wondered how my fellow students would fare at home,” senior Velma Romero shared. “For some, American University is a tight-knit and empowering liberal haven. But for others, it’s a place to escape the white-sorority-girl-to-orange-Instagram-filter pipeline. At home, these temptations are almost inescapable.”
If nothing else, the precarious position of Niche’s title fosters a sense of solidarity among the community. Everyone shared one common goal: not to be perceived as a Republican. The words “socially liberal and fiscally conservative” echoed hauntingly in the heads of many. If the lack of oat milk in TDR was not enough to garner suspicion, many feared that the absence of the student body in its entirety would warrant an investigation into the true politics of the University.
When the University announced a vaccine requirement as a means of bolstering the University’s liberal reputation in April, the community could finally breathe a collective sigh of relief. Though Bell initially declined an interview with The Eagle, he revealed the sequence of events leading up to his decision in a tell-all interview with Oprah Winfrey last week.
“Usually, my nighttime hours are spent dreaming of vegan headwear boutiques and screenings of the 2019 Oscar-winning film 'Parasite,'” Bell said. “But that night, I was greeted by a short Italian man with a fridge of frozen Pfizer doses sitting on his hip. He appeared in a haze, whispering an alluring refrain: ’the vaccine, Jonathan, the vaccine.’”
Following the divine visitation of one Dr. Fauci, the University issued a statement requiring the vaccine for all students: “Quite frankly, we are less concerned with the public health crisis on our hands, and more with arbitrary lists on Niche.com.”
The University didn’t have to speak twice. The whole AU community whole-heartedly agreed. With a proof-of-vaccination card and leftist ideological framework, the award-winning AU population will be back this fall — just in time for Virgo season.
Nora Sullivan is a rising junior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist at The Eagle.